Other News Yesterday - Installment 4(i) Post Apocalyptic Election Issues

 

 

After months of soul-searching, gonad wrangling, and eye watering tedium in the wash-up to the most under whelming universal franchise exercise in living memory, Alterego is back with the latest takes on President Scomite and the new and better junta, complete with China agency accoutrements, more denial of climate existence and grand plans for recession.

 

 

 

As part of a welfare led recovery Scomite and crew are planning to distill illegal drugs from the urine of Newstart recipients and sell it on the black market.   On-selling the 'welfare' contraband presents a range of potential legal pitfalls, logistical and accounting challenges, but Treasurer Friedalot and Minister Muster Cormorant tell anyone who will listen that they "have got this".

 

Enthusiasm for a polly cop unit has waned in the wash-up as Ministers for Abject Trough Diving are worried folk might get the wrong idea about naked disregard for laws in the rush to please junta supporters, immediate relatives and other associate members of the Safe Seats Society in the issuing of licenses and public grants. 

 

 

PM Scomite is again travelling the land to hold prayer meetings to break the drought.  Having previously exhausted supplies of goats to quell the volcano gods, Scomite’s acolytes have turned to the heavens for hope and a sign they are still the chosen ones.  The prayer meetings are subsidized by tax payers of course, including certified cloud seeder, Pentecostal rapper, 8 piece band, hymn books and prayer leader per diem plus meal and hardship allowances.

 

 Minister for Changing the Climate has announced that burghers should not expect any action on the climate maelstrom engulfing the planet as there is some doubt about the science, and thoughts and prayers should suffice.  He is encouraging burghers in safe seats to sink carbon by burying cattle en masse and planting palm oil trees on clear felled land as remedial measures.

Other News Yesterday - Installment 3(i) Special Hustings edition

 

As the election bash up reaches fever pitch burghers have been sighted running for the exits and voting early.  PM Scomite rolls from one BBQ to the next, kicking babies and petting balls at every opportunity.  Raptors report suffering heartburn watching the spectacle of a leader spinning furiously in the vain hope that whatever vipers are pursuing him won’t get their fangs in.   

As Junta heavyweights contact Canberra property vendors and a paper shredders job lot makes its way to Junta offices, the burghers wait impatiently for the furore to desist; circus masks stowed, touring buses returned to depot, posters burned and chopping blocks ready.

The intensity of community feeling generated by a series of stellar candidates forced to ritually disembowel in public has been an attractive supplement to the daily round of hate speech and targeted abuse.  Raptors have had to interrupt there constant screaming at disingenuous answers from our nation’s competing dissemblers to gasp at the naked display of entrails revealed by a series of One Country and Junta wannabees.  

The work of Reeve ‘Smoking Aces’ Dicksup in snipping off the lower intestine as be bowed out in abject disgrace was a thing to behold and one for the kiddies.

 

Notorious gannet and electoral recidivist Clive of Toad Castle has spent a fortune telling the punters that only his particular brand of cane toad oil will cure self-inflicted dropsy, and that his elevation to power will guarantee water shedding and coal loading forever.  The punters are enlivened by the prospect of returning Clive to a large sump on the edge of an old coal pit so he can see out his days in perfect harmony with his surrounds.

In a reprise of old news, and as the country waits for collective relief and the sound of a large gun ending the hustings stakes, human rights stalwart Senator Taser Gunning started his own party.  Everyone was invited along to sing the Horst Wessel song whilst practicing dismantling and assembling automatic rifles blindfolded.  The party was set to go for a week by which time authorities acted to close the whole show down on national security grounds.

 

 

 

Other News Yesterday - Installment 2(vi) Special Budget-in- Reply edition

 

After skipping through the day whistling the 1812 Overture PM ‘Aspiratus’ Bill Longhop rose in the House last night to deliver his epistle to all, accompanied by string and vocal ensemble.  He painted a picture of a land awash with fairness, decency and trees, a land of packed lunches for all, free of ball tampering and cancer.   

It was a stirring display of wanton hope and future proofing against wind chill, geared negativity and credit imputation by those given the wink on when to bet on the dodgy horse race.  Caps on good cheer will be removed and the cheer redistributed more evenly, and those usually confined to the outermost circles of benefit will receive a hamper this year.

The Junta benches glowered in response, suggesting cancer must be managed as a public benefit and geared negativity remains the key to maintenance of the rich and ‘aspirational’.   Some cried out ‘the end of days’ and some fled the chamber to get their property brokers on the line.  It was a pitiful spectacle of loss and self-pity.  Members of the Safe Seats Society stayed in their seats, looking stony faced, and wondering why they bothered roasting and salting their pigs.

  

One of Longhop’s most telling forays into soaring hope was an acknowledgement that climate exists and that the kiddies expect something done about the endless summer.  It was stirring stuff to hear ‘Aspiratus’ Bill paint a picture of flowing streams, whirring windmills and battery storage made in Australia.  As the burghers sharpen their bats and flex their ropes in readiness for polling day it is apparent that salted lemming will be on the menu in the House dining room for several years to come.

 

As the country waits for collective relief and the sound of a large gun starting the husting stakes, news broke of human rights stalwart Senator Taser Gunning starting  his own party.  Everyone is invited along to sing the Horst Wessel song whilst practicing dismantling and assembling automatic rifles blindfolded.  The party is set to go for a week by which time authorities are expected to act and close the whole show down on national security grounds.

Other News Yesterday - Installment 2(v) Special Budget Day edition

 

The stakes are being tenderized as the finishing touches are made to Treasurer Friedalot’s pork accounts.  Entrapped raptors are pondering five hours listening to PM Scomite and Friedalot explain how $10 extra a week for poor people is the equivalent to a Lotto win and $75 relief per annum for power is just compensation for theft of $500pa for power company profits.   

It’s a special day in the lock-up where raptors rub shoulders with Junta born-to-rulers and strange officials with the worried look of lost extras on a Star Trek movie.    

By the time the final graph goes up explaining how a surplus to requirement was attained the gathered throng will feel like they’ve lost time in a Twilight Zone which they can never get back.  Autographed drink mats will be handed out at the end of proceedings as a memento to witnessing another ‘day of lost days’ and a reminder not to ‘fuck up the table’.

Budget spending on belts and roads is expected to reach new heights this year, with the latest projection for fast train development to be toward the end of the century, by which time climate change will have seen off any need for trains.  

It’s a wonderful scenario, guaranteed to excite the burghers in their boroughs, especially those benighted souls living in personal fiefdoms of members of the Safe Seats Society.  Their chances of seeing any train, let alone a fast one, are dwindling each year as the votes are counted yet again in favour of the Junta member and his relatives, living and dead.

Action on the climate maelstrom engulfing the planet is not expected this time round, save for a possible subsidy for cheap car washing for commercial fleets and some encouragement to burghers in safe seats to sink carbon.  The methods employed range from burying cattle en masse to planting palm oil trees on clear felled land, brilliant remedial strategies brought to you courtesy of Palm Oil enterprises and Ozmandia Coal. 

The business lobby has been out and about encouraging additional tax relief for anyone earning more the $1m a year, no penalty rates and no increase to the minimum wage as this would lead to the collapse of lifestyles of the rich and famous and an unseemly rush on claiming franking credits.  It is feared the ATO would have no recourse but to sub-contract the whole exercise out to grocery chains like Woolyperks and Stoles to develop a self-serve methodology and report annually.

Other News Yesterday - Installment 2(iv) Special Pre-Budget edition

 

As the Junta gears up for the final push toward an endless Summer PM Able Scomite has ordered Junta heavies to roast and salt pork and commission all available barrels.  With a mass girding of loins the Junta is confident of hanging on to at least five members of the Safe Seats Society in each state, providing the barrelled pork can be delivered to targets on time.  This is by no means guaranteed as the logistics of actually doing something that involves parting with money for anyone apart from immediate family and close buddies is alien to Junta apparatchiks. 

PM Scomite and Treasurer Friedalot are readying the troops to hand out $100 bills with how to vote cards with a promise that all franking credits will be tax deductible forever.  In Junta seats this has set off a frisson of expectation that all rorts are sacrosanct and guaranteed for generations.  Turns out the promise will be etched in hologrammatic stone that can disappear when the plug is pulled, so watch this space…

Having spent decades mining a rich seam of hatred toward ethnic minorities for electoral gold the Junta changed course overnight.  When one of their many acolytes decided to kill everyone he could in as short a time as possible in another country, the Junta leadership decided they would pretend to follow the tenets of their own faith for a change.   

 

 

 

The radical idea has not caught on in every pocket of the fiefdom; with a motley crew of media discontents and paid up members of the Safe Seats Society suggesting this humanist apostasy is dangerous and could lead to social harmony, putting them out of a job…watch this space.

 

 

Against a backdrop of massacre memorials One Country leader Perilous Pantson has had a red letter week, with close associates caught on candid camera promising gun toters across the planet that Australia will be the place to be if you want to shoot up a whole lot of folk unimpeded.  Package tours will be on offer for the willing and able, with special side trips to practice on wild boar and crocs in five star comfort.   

If you just like to watch the One Country Group will make special viewing opportunities available on-line at a cut price.  Spokesperson for One Country, Reeve ‘Smoking Aces’ Dicksup, promised participants the time of their lives, staying in drug lord mansions on the sea with twenty five rooms each, fully serviced machine guns available 24/7, and as much KFC as you can eat…

Breaking world news (summary):

The Grabber-in-Chief is back in the news with a complete exoneration of everything he has done to humans and animals since he was a nipper learning the art of a deal.  This ‘Holy Writ’ has been redacted so heavily only the paper watermark can be read by the public.

British PM Foxweather May has finally given in to pressure and will enter holy orders after the fourth vote on her “Peace in Our Time” plan fails.  She is philosophical about the prospect of a nun’s life and is relishing the chance to dance the plucked chook two-step away from prying eyes.