Other News Yesterday - Installment 2(iv) Special Pre-Budget edition

 

As the Junta gears up for the final push toward an endless Summer PM Able Scomite has ordered Junta heavies to roast and salt pork and commission all available barrels.  With a mass girding of loins the Junta is confident of hanging on to at least five members of the Safe Seats Society in each state, providing the barrelled pork can be delivered to targets on time.  This is by no means guaranteed as the logistics of actually doing something that involves parting with money for anyone apart from immediate family and close buddies is alien to Junta apparatchiks. 

PM Scomite and Treasurer Friedalot are readying the troops to hand out $100 bills with how to vote cards with a promise that all franking credits will be tax deductible forever.  In Junta seats this has set off a frisson of expectation that all rorts are sacrosanct and guaranteed for generations.  Turns out the promise will be etched in hologrammatic stone that can disappear when the plug is pulled, so watch this space…

Having spent decades mining a rich seam of hatred toward ethnic minorities for electoral gold the Junta changed course overnight.  When one of their many acolytes decided to kill everyone he could in as short a time as possible in another country, the Junta leadership decided they would pretend to follow the tenets of their own faith for a change.   

 

 

 

The radical idea has not caught on in every pocket of the fiefdom; with a motley crew of media discontents and paid up members of the Safe Seats Society suggesting this humanist apostasy is dangerous and could lead to social harmony, putting them out of a job…watch this space.

 

 

Against a backdrop of massacre memorials One Country leader Perilous Pantson has had a red letter week, with close associates caught on candid camera promising gun toters across the planet that Australia will be the place to be if you want to shoot up a whole lot of folk unimpeded.  Package tours will be on offer for the willing and able, with special side trips to practice on wild boar and crocs in five star comfort.   

If you just like to watch the One Country Group will make special viewing opportunities available on-line at a cut price.  Spokesperson for One Country, Reeve ‘Smoking Aces’ Dicksup, promised participants the time of their lives, staying in drug lord mansions on the sea with twenty five rooms each, fully serviced machine guns available 24/7, and as much KFC as you can eat…

Breaking world news (summary):

The Grabber-in-Chief is back in the news with a complete exoneration of everything he has done to humans and animals since he was a nipper learning the art of a deal.  This ‘Holy Writ’ has been redacted so heavily only the paper watermark can be read by the public.

British PM Foxweather May has finally given in to pressure and will enter holy orders after the fourth vote on her “Peace in Our Time” plan fails.  She is philosophical about the prospect of a nun’s life and is relishing the chance to dance the plucked chook two-step away from prying eyes.