Friday, 10 August 2018
Thursday, 9 August 2018
Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(ii) i
Treasurer Scomite has welcomed
reports that the private superannuation industry has been scamming customers
blind. “Its good to see some
entrepreneurial flair from the industry”, Scomite told guests at a Liberal fund
raising dinner, “it’s a valid technique for re-distributing income away from
punters to the upper end…a cornerstone of the modern Liberal Party”.
Retiring Australian Public Service Boxing
Commissioner Floyd Johnson has launched a stinging attack on his many
detractors. Sparring next to Minister
for Union Bashing, Saturnalia Nash, and amidst questions over his close ties
with the Institute
of Paid Advertising,
Johnson accepted a TKO in the fifth. A strong
advocate for a return to indentured labour conditions and bare knuckle fights
at lunchtime in the APS, Johnson yelled at raptors, “I’m thoroughly sick of
these group thinking nancy boys do-gooding all over the ring…I was just getting
my second wind when the ref called off the fight”. Johnson has now set his eyes on a nice little
earner in the Caymans….
Former King’s representative and
convenor of the ‘Lovely Altar Boys Alumni’ association, Peter Wigglesworth, has
declined to reimburse tax payers for their unsolicited largesse toward him over
many years of trough diving. “It’s nothing more than I’m worth” explained
Wigglesworth, “grooming like mine doesn’t come cheap and first class travel to
exotic destinations broadens one’s horizons”.
Breaking World News (summary):
Grabber-in-Chief has refuted
suggestions that revelations from the Castlemann trial will damage him
politically. “If footage emerged of me buggering woolly llamas”, the Grabber
told Fox News, “my base would still trust me to make America big again”.
US Republican congressman Chris Collector has been indicted for
trading losses for wins on drug deals.
Looking like they had just come from a Botox party, Collector and his
wife fronted raptors to reassure voters that the Grabber is great and he’ll be
back for another round of golfing with the stars at the mid-terms.
British PM Foxweather May has rebutted
suggestions she is considering holy orders. “This lady is not for the nunnery”,
scoffed May, “but I suggest Boris consider a long retreat with the
Carthusians…it’ll do him good not to speak for a couple of years and the
British public will be ever so grateful”.
Wednesday, 8 August 2018
Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(ii) h
The NSW Government has declared the whole State in ‘drought’
but denies any connection to climate change.
“We're looking forward to Summer”, spruiked the Minister for Drought, “when
we can get a handle on what’s really happening in China…we’ve known for some
time that this is a commie plot to devalue land for a fire sale…we just didn’t
realize the whole country would burn”.
NAPLAN has been suspended until further notice. The Minister for Sprogs in Stress Steve
Manchester has been forced to take extreme measures as data leaks shine a light
on whether the fittest survivors are getting the best results or brainwashed chimps. “The jury’s out”, Manchester told a raptor scrum, “until we
calibrate the metadata with key indicators such as posture, nail and hair
length.”
The Great Barrier Rort Foundation has
put out a press release indicating it is desperate to give the tax deductible
grant back to PM Trumble at the first opportunity. Retired Monty Oil executive Jason
Schumann has pleaded for understanding. “We
have had to beat retired corporate executives off with sticks”, Schumann told
raptors, “when these guys catch the smell of pre-laundered money its like a
shark pool with a slow leak”.
Breaking World News (summary)
Grabber-in-Chief has blamed the arms
for oil deal with Iran for
the burning of California.
“The Ayatollah should never have raised his head above the parapet”, tweeted
the Grabber, “a huge price will have to be paid for this assault on our values
but luckily we still have Ollie South available to negotiate a deal”.
Despite rave notices for the recent
love in with North Korean Honcho Kim Jing-in, a spokesperson for the Grabber
has announced the song duo they recorded has flopped in the charts. “’Missiles
of Spring’ is a catchy tune”, she said, “but the American listening public is a
fickle beast and the backup chorus left a bit to be desired”.
Boris Jonestown Massacre is back in
the headlines, calling for PM Foxweather May to
ban burqas at state funerals and to get on her bike to a nunnery at the first
opportunity. May declined both suggestions
but is rumoured to have riposted, “I believe all women should be able to
choose how they dress at funerals and nunneries”.
Tuesday, 7 August 2018
Installment 1 (ii) g
Appearing on Q & A Minister for Drought Don Proudlite
denied the big dry could be connected with climate. “There’s really no such thing”, answered the
Minister, “there’s individual weather events and when they combine it’s a
drought”. As he was speaking scientists
in Arizona
reported human induced global meltdown is about a tick away from setting off a
cascading climactic climate hothouse. In
keeping with recent appointments Proudlite is considered a Monty to be in
charge of the Climactic Hothouse Ministry.
Sky News has been forced to suspend all radical reactionary
presenters after dark in an attempt to win back viewers appalled by wanton
broadcasting of Nazi drinking songs and orchestrated calls for a new
Reich. Extended weather shows and
vaudeville acts will fill the slots vacated until new presenters can be found.
With the total population of Australia
one person away from being just under that of Delhi, demographers suggest some thought be
given to accommodating all those Indians heading our way. “We’re going to need more curry houses,
chilli gardens and sandalwood orchards”, explained a local expert “if India
can manage over 25 million in one city you’d think a whole continent would be
perfect”.
Breaking World News (summary):
A new peace agreement in South Sudan
is expected to last at least a fortnight.
A local commentator suggested universal franchise in China was more
likely than the new peace treaty surviving longer than a few months, enough
time for all the parties to rearm and get at it again.
A new movement has sprung up to encourage human extinction. Founder
and spokesperson Lester Knightfall says that everything would be better with
fewer humans. “Huge savings on bullets, paternity suits and nappy laundry are
some of the obvious benefits”, explained Knightfall, “along with a boon for rubber
producers everywhere”.
A US Court
has been told Grabber-in-Chief confidante Paul Castlemann is a complete
crook. His one time business partner Dick
Dates gave evidence that he and Paul went on a crime spree that made Al Capone
look like twinkle toes at the fair. The
Grabber tweeted “they are both good men made in America”.
Monday, 6 August 2018
Installment 1 (ii) f
It is reported PM Trumble is distraught
his ‘drought breaking’ words in Central NSW have
changed nothing, been used before and will probably not even rate a T-shirt. Farmers complain the Federal grants will barely
cover a portion of private school fees or a tax deductible down payment on the
next John Deere header. “Teats on a bull
are more use than that fella”, a local cockie was heard to grumble.
Sky News have offered to undertake
4,000 hours of community broadcasting to recompense listeners forced to endure
Nazi beer songs from recent guest Blare Fester Choptell. “They can’t stand the heat in my kitchen”,
countered Choptell, “my kebabs make you want to swill pints and break dance
nude while singing the Horst Wessel Song”.
Grocery chain Woolyperks admits spying
on customers playing pokies at their many venues. A spokesperson agreed the idea was to squeeze
every last cent out of those stupid enough to sit in front of an electric light
show designed to relieve them of money. “We
get them totally pissed, give them lots of ‘service’ and screw them blind”. Woolyperks deny any suggestion that this
conflicts with their company values.
Breaking World News (summary):
Grabber-in-Chief has welcomed news
that Russian Supremo Vlad Wolfbrat has appointed action star and Russian
citizen Stompin Seagull as his emissary. “Seagull and his Wolves should give
Schintillflott and his Expendables a run for their money at the box office”,
tweeted the Grabber, “I’ll pay to see the last action hero standing”.
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