Installment 1(ii) d

 

PM Trumble is excited that a two bit organization called Great Barrier Rort Foundation was given nigh on half a billion taxpayer dollars to 'save Western civilization'.  Founder, executor, chief Power of Attorney and former boss of philanthropic bastion Monty Oil was fulsome in his praise of the tax deductible grant.  “Its part of the grand mission to complete the colonization of this benighted continent", Jason Schumann told baying raptors, “we can’t leave it to the hoi polloi to ruin”.

IPA bastion Mina Stoneheart has been seen loitering with famous climate haters, Lord Friartone and lapsed LNP stalwart Barnabbas Joust.  Insiders suggest they’re collaborating on a new generation of ground missile to knock over windmills from a discrete distance.  Wags are referring to the enterprise as the Quixote solution. Watch this space…

Foreign and Trading Minister Jules Mashup has offered European leaders gratuitous advice on total meltdowns in heatwaves.  A suite of measures has been suggested, including letting wild fires burn as its good for carbon sink renewal, shooting wild life that come down to drink to be BBQ'd at post Brexit celebrations, requiring underground train commuters to shower before traveling, and blaming lefties for everything.

Breaking World News (summary)

Grabber-in-Chief has heralded recent polling that has his approval ratings on 5,000%. “We kept all our promises”, tweeted the Grabber, “and now we’re going to finish the job of swamp renewal”.

 

Commuters in Europe have complained to transport authorities that train door handles are melting and there are smells inside the carriages that will outlast asbestos.

The Colonel’s daughter Sarah Huckster has told a raptor briefing that it’s un-American to expect her boss to front the raptor throng without a ‘tele-prompter’ and a bile resistance vaccine with antibodies that take a week to assimilate.

Installment 1(ii) c

PM Trumble told gathered media raptors that his Government had ‘wintered well’ and was planning a Spring assault on Bill Longhop. Amidst reports of banks behaving badly, gambling agencies recruiting kiddies in pre-school and Tone Rabbott’s game show going on the road, Trumble is quietly upbeat about his prospects of killing Bill in an ambush somewhere between Indooroopilly and Wangaratta.

 

Labor States have called out PM Trumble and Minister for Energizing Friedalot on the failure to convince sceptics on their own side that climate exists at all. “And, you know, when it comes to hot days there’s no such thing as climate”, one backbencher was overheard to say, “…there are individual events and there are droughts. And no government can do anything except through God’s help, and people must look after themselves first.” 

Bastion of the Institute of Private Advertising Mina Stoneheart announced she was establishing a Chair of Non-linear Climate Science at the University of Alternative Reality.  “We have to combat fake climate research”, Stoneheart told raptors, “with a peer reviewed body of science that understands coal, loves coal and is totally beholden to the digging of coal”.

Breaking World News (summary):

 

Pope Frank has decided to oppose the death penalty.  Countries who kill masses of their citizenry each year are mounting a challenge to this change to the universal catechism.  Previously it was ok for non-believers and dodgy penitents to be cast down into the slavering jaws of hell’s demons.  Pharmaceutical giants in the US are especially keen for a return to this dictum…

Jim Packmann has confirmed he’s transferring a large slice of his assets to Israel. A chain of casinos from the West Bank to Gaza is planned to take everyone’s mind off the relegation of all non-Jewish Israelis to 2^nd class citizens.

Grabber-in-Chief is touting a great result for Republicans at the up-coming mid terms.  “There are so many great things happening I don’t know where to start”, the Grabber told raptors, “from a big new wall to putting enemies of the people in their place”.

Installment 1(ii) b

PM Trumble announced a ‘belt and road’ style Pacific initiative in partnership with Japan and USA. “We are going to build bridges between the Pacific Islands and Australia”, Trumble explained, “using Australian steel, workers and banks in consort with anyone but China.  We’re a tad concerned about undersea footings, but where there’s a tax holiday there’s a way”.  The initiative will be known as ‘Alt Debt and Deficit Lite’.

Lord Spatchcock Frowner thanked ex PM Bon Lowbrow for his efforts to drag the hot aggots of the Mayo campaign out of the fire.  “It was a lost cause’, whined Frowner, double dipping his chip, “in the face of a lumpen spread from Adelaide we couldn’t stop the rot”.

East Timor has warned Foreign Minister Mashup to drop the indictments against spying whistle blowers in Canberra, or face the prospect of her Government’s espionage efforts finding their way into the next Mission Impossible movie.  

Government spokespersons are out in force again today spruiking big end tax cuts, explaining recent electoral set backs as part of the normal weather cycle.  “You know where you stand with us”, emphasized a Liberal backbencher, “if you’re rich enough to avoid tax, you need more incentives and indentured labour pools”.

Breaking World News (summary):

A further CAPS LOCK TWEET from the Grabber-in-Chief threatening total annihilation of America’s enemies has had little effect. President Ruemenot organized his whole country to flip the Grabber the bird at 3pm (GMT minus 4.5 hrs).

The White House has denied the Grabber’s order for Special Counsel Prober to cease and desist was anything more than an ‘opinion’. Firing squads have been told to stand down until further announcements.

Philippines President Roberto Muerte has organized a mass crushing of luxury cars by bulldozer, whilst their owners are still inside.  “That’ll teach them to flaunt their wealth”, Muerte told an adoring crowd, “especially since I never got my cut”.

Installment 1(ii) a

Finance Minister Muster Cormorant came out today accusing big end tax cut naysayers of being economic girlie men and man girls.  He was quickly shuffled off through a side door by anxious staffers…one was heard to yell “get his meds”.

Health Minister Ernst Funt was spruiking the ‘our health’ initiative and denying claims that personal details could ever…ever… ever be used inappropriately to assist with future reallocation.  “I realize people are nervous about sharing personal information with Government”, Funt told raptors, “let me assure you national security will never ever take precedence over your right to know”. Raptors present scratched their heads….

From her cruise ship One Country leader Perilous Pantson sent a message of commiseration to her candidates at recent by-elections, criticising the party for inadequate displays of cardboard cut-outs of herself:  “You can’t hope to win with anything less than one hundred per booth”, she ordered, “but I think we passed the audition”.

Breaking World News (summary):

Close confidante of Grabber-in-Chief Paul Castlemann denied his tax rorts assisted the boss with a few minor accounting issues:  “We ran a tight ship and I plead the 5^th”.

Reports the Swedish crown jewel thieves escaped via the sewers are incorrect, police sources advised. “They water skied behind a jet boat”, Chief Superintendant Lars Watermark told raptors, “waving to tourists on the foreshore”.

The Grabber has hit out at GOP mainstays the Grouch brothers.  “Those boys should have stuck to stand-up”, yelled the Grabber, “I was making them great again but now they can kiss my arse”.

Installment 1(i) f

PM Trumble welcomed news that the bottom 20% make as much in a year as the top 20% make in a fortnight. “Something for them to aspire to”, purred Trumble, “getting a better job is the way to go in this space, at the end of the day”.

Treasurer Able Scomite and Minister for Bashing Unions Saturnalia Rash could barely suppress their excitement over the finding that Australia’s big companies only pay about 17% tax after deductions, the 4^th lowest in the G20. “Guns, germs and steel”, replied Scomite to no one in particular, “its how great nations are built”. Rash welcomed reports she has been referred to the DPP for obscene union bashing. “This is the reason I get up every day”, countered Rash, “I hate them and they hate me”.

Labor states are getting ready to tell Minister Friedalot to stick his NEG where the sun don’t shine.  After a lengthy debate on the relative benefits of nuclear waste and the collected emissions of 25 million cows, Friedalot has calibrated a response to Labor leaders:  “If you don’t want more coal fired power stations may all your windmills turn into Ents and lay siege to your ivory towers”.  Friedalot was last seen strapped to an ambulance trolley being loaded in a green van.

PM Fun Sun thanked Foreign Minister Jules Mashup and Minister for Gratuitous Cruelty Spud Dutto for recent largesse and allowing his family of cronies to buy up prime real estate in Australia. “With friends like these”, crowed Fun, “who needs China?”

Breaking World News (summary):

Responding to massive fires in California Grabber-in-Chief blamed ex Governor Schintillflott for his unremitting attacks on his person and failure to manage the business of carbon sinks.

After threatening immediate nuclear annihilation of his country the Grabber now wants a love-in with President Ruemenot.  “This is the way great diplomacy has always worked”, bellowed the Grabber, “line up the missiles and call the play”.

The successful Quota bid for the next football world cup has been accused of malfeasance on a grand scale, involving lying about the weather, poisoning the wells of other bidders, and large transfers of dried dates at various stages of the bidding process.

Installment 1(i) e

In a tree doorstop PM Trumble doubled down on tax cuts for the few prescient enough to have tax management accounts in the Cayman Islands and who have mastered the dark art of transfer pricing. Trumble applauded the get up and go culture of such people. “They are a cornerstone of the modern Liberal Party”, crooned Trumble, “and a vital part of our re-election strategy”.

Opposition Leader Bill Longhop was seen jumping wildly around a local walking track. A staffer told bewildered raptors Bill had just seen PM Trumble’s latest tree doorstop where he doubled down on support for the big end. Bill was heard to mumble, “that big end’s gonna hurt”.

In a media release from the bunker Spud Dutto announced two more asylum seekers from Nauru will be sent to Cambodia at a cost of $8m per annum to commemorate the re-election of staunch ally PM Fun Sun. “It’s a pittance in the overall scheme of things”, shouted Dutto, “anything to support our one party state friend.  We’re keen to keep all the refoulement channels open”.

 

 

Breaking World News (summary):

The Welsh have declared they will go it alone after Brexit as they’re the only winners of the French Grand Tour. They’re sick of Bearlas hogging the limelight and stealing Welsh women.

 

Grabber-in-Chief has warned Iran, no…ah….Iraq, no….ah…..Italy, that it will be bombed back to the middle ages if it even looks at him sideways again.

In further news...the Scots have nationalized all golf courses in an attempt to keep the Grabber out of the highlands.  Farmers report hairy cows stop lactating whenever the Grabber is in the vicinity….