Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(iii) a

 

 

In breaking news yesterday ‘retiring’ Border Guard honcho Romanesque Quaestorius has provided the Senate with a series of previously lost commercials for the Spud Dutto Au Pair Agency.  Apparently the Agency has been operating at a profit for some time and is now considering a listing on the Stock Exchange.   

Friends of Dutto who like a good bet and mate’s rates have been so impressed with the service provided they bought shares and have encouraged Dutto to broaden the scope of the business.   

Although Dutto thinks Quaestorius is now insane and should be committed there is no doubt the commercial flare he once brought to the business has paid off in spades.

PM Scomite is travelling the land to hold prayer meetings to break the drought.  Having exhausted supplies of goats to quell the volcano gods, Scomite’s acolytes have turned to the heavens for hope and a sign they are still the chosen ones.  The prayer meetings are subsidized by tax payers of course, including certified cloud seeder, Pentecostal rapper, 8 piece band, hymn books and prayer leader per diem plus meal and hardship allowances.  

Scomite appears in a fetching outfit reminiscent of something worn by the three wise men.  A ‘Jesus Saves’ branch is opened in every town visited by the PM and locals are encouraged to open accounts.  Bill Longhop has dismissed the initiative as mere ‘snake oil’ from a desperate junta with no ideas and a shaky grasp of what causes the weather.  

 “Apparently subsidizing the religious right's right not to be right, and ahhhh, it’s alright not to be right”, Longhop tells bewildered raptors, “is good enough for the PM as long as the right exercise their full right not to be right”.  It is still not raining….

New Foreign Minister (without guns) Serima Pain has seen off a challenge from the PIF leader’s meeting to the Australian position that climate doesn’t exist.  It was a near run thing with lots of promises relating to belts and roads sealing the deal.  

The fact the China envoy berated the meeting for not opening with the China national anthem and a reading from the little red book of what happens when you don’t open the meeting with the anthem and a reading, assisted Pain persuade delegates.  The envoy went off in a huff and was last seen boarding a charter plane to Beijing.  Watch this space…

Breaking World News (summary):

Staffers of the Grabber-in-Chief have been penning op-ed pieces for leading newspapers, suggesting their leader is crazy and they spend all day finding ways to keep him away from a nuclear play.  “They are traitors”, tweeted the Grabber, “there treason knows no bounds…when I find who they are I’ll have them shot in the grounds”.

The identity of recent contestants in the British version of the virtual reality game show involving a toxic nerve agent and unsuspecting passers by have been revealed.  The macabre burlesque involved sprayed Russian perfumery and answering a series of questions backwards.  The backwards answers revealed the identity of the contestants…

British PM Foxweather May has returned from her exciting dance tour of Africa, where she entertained gathered crowds with her plucked chook two step.  It was so popular with hosts they cried for encores and pleaded with May to send emissaries to teach the dance moves to school children…she has agreed.

Other News Yesterday Special Edition - "The Garden Visitor" - a modern fable of an asylum seeker based on a true story.

 

 

The garden was wild, with ponds and grass and trees and flowers and bushes and butterflies and bees. Birds made their home in the garden. There were noisy wattle-birds and busy blackbirds, quiet pigeons and colourful Rosellas. 

There were honey-eaters, pardalotes, wagtails, finches, wrens, silver eyes and robins galore. Majestic king parrots and rowdy cockatoos visited.   

Bossy magpies, crazy choughs, naughty currawongs, ravens and mynahs came but were never allowed to stay. The garden was a safe place to stay.

The garden was green and friendly with lots to eat, drink and places to wash, sunbathe and hide.  There were no cats or dogs. Birds made nests, some tiny some large, to keep their eggs safe and warm. 

Hunters did not raid the nests as there were too many eyes and trouble a plenty for those who tried.  The garden was a safe place to stay.

One day the bush nearby started to burn.  It burnt and burnt for days.  The sky grew dark and smoke filled the air.  All the birds were afraid.  The stories of visitors were bad.   

Many trees had gone, grass was on fire, animals ran for their lives and birds took to the air. Burning leaves fell in the garden, wind blew wild; there was haze and trouble everywhere.  But the garden was a safe place to stay.

That day a young bird arrived.  It was sad, lonely and had barely survived. The bird had black, grey and white fluffy feathers underneath grubby colours.  It was thirsty and hungry.  “I can’t find my family”, croaked the young bird, “the fire is everywhere”. While it stayed on the ground birds flew around to stare.   

It was not of their kind but they knew the type and had nothing to share.  “Can I have a drink”, said the visitor, “and a rest over there?” A wattle-bird said, “yes but behave yourself, you’re not wanted here”.  The garden was a safe place to stay.

Soon, the fire stopped and the birds relaxed.  The sky turned blue and smoke left.  The smell of burning was still in the air but it was far away and the young bird stayed.  “It should leave”, chimed many birds, “we can’t let it stay; it will hunt our babies one day”.  

  

 

There was a great commotion as many birds argued about what to do with the visitor that nobody knew. The wattle-bird said, “Let it stay, I will make sure it learns our way”.  The garden was a safe place to stay.

The young bird grew big and strong.  Its feathers became darker, sleek and long.  It liked to take baths and preen in the sun.  The stranger became known to everyone.  It never found its family, never knew its kin but minded the garden and those who came within.   

It can be seen to this day keeping an eye on all who come and play.  It’s never far from a wattle-bird who kept the doubters away. “He’s my friend and we talk every day”, says the visitor who came to stay.  The garden is still a safe place today…

THE END

Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(ii) Island Hellhole Special Edition

To celebrate and welcome in a new dawn in Pacific relations PM Scomite will stay away from the PIF Leader’s meeting in everybody’s favourite island hellhole.  Stripped down to his jocks and visibly excited Scomite preferred the company of seer and augur radio jock Phobia Phones.  

Taking a leaf out of Senator Cormorant’s game book, Scomite launched an attack on girly persons worried about a few kiddies being scarred for life in the hellholes. “It doesn’t matter whether you’re a child, pregnant, woman or an unaccompanied minor”, claimed Scomite, “if you’re fit enough to get on a boat you’re fit enough for one of our hellholes”.  Phones agreed enthusiastically and suggested marathon swimming could be introduced to weed out the weakest.

 

After Scomite and Phones had such a great time discussing the politics of torturing kiddies they turned to another favourite topic, abolishing trade unions.  “I’m going to be an industrial relations PM”, explained Scomite, “Senator Rash has passed the baton to Telly O’Rorke…together we’re planning a nasty surprise for the Labor Movement not unlike the Zulus sprung at her namesake if you catch my drift.” They laughed and laughed and agreed to take a few callers.   

One call in response to a Union leader’s kiddies sporting banner suggesting Scomite go take advantage of himself, had the PM fuming, “…using kiddies for political gain is unacceptable to me and my junta, and reflects badly on anyone stooping so low”.   

One older woman caller asked Scomite if he thought about the Beatitudes when sending kiddies to hellholes. “They’re a lovely sweet”, replied Scomite, “I was sent a box of them one Christmas but the kids ate most of them”.

New Foreign Minister Serima Pain is girding her loins to take on the PIF leaders in place of PM Scomite. Calls for belts and roads funding and a recognition that climate exists are set to task the new Minister, who is new to foreign affairs without guns.   

She has declined a chance to visit the kiddies in their hellhole as this might raise expectations that the system can be gamed. 

The President of Nauru has given in to pressure yet again and announced the PIF meetings will be open to scrutiny by remote drone and trained seagulls. “The system will not be gamed on my watch”, Count Wacka told a local raptor, “and these kids have had the best time just stayin alive”.