Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(iii) a

 

 

In breaking news yesterday ‘retiring’ Border Guard honcho Romanesque Quaestorius has provided the Senate with a series of previously lost commercials for the Spud Dutto Au Pair Agency.  Apparently the Agency has been operating at a profit for some time and is now considering a listing on the Stock Exchange.   

Friends of Dutto who like a good bet and mate’s rates have been so impressed with the service provided they bought shares and have encouraged Dutto to broaden the scope of the business.   

Although Dutto thinks Quaestorius is now insane and should be committed there is no doubt the commercial flare he once brought to the business has paid off in spades.

PM Scomite is travelling the land to hold prayer meetings to break the drought.  Having exhausted supplies of goats to quell the volcano gods, Scomite’s acolytes have turned to the heavens for hope and a sign they are still the chosen ones.  The prayer meetings are subsidized by tax payers of course, including certified cloud seeder, Pentecostal rapper, 8 piece band, hymn books and prayer leader per diem plus meal and hardship allowances.  

Scomite appears in a fetching outfit reminiscent of something worn by the three wise men.  A ‘Jesus Saves’ branch is opened in every town visited by the PM and locals are encouraged to open accounts.  Bill Longhop has dismissed the initiative as mere ‘snake oil’ from a desperate junta with no ideas and a shaky grasp of what causes the weather.  

 “Apparently subsidizing the religious right's right not to be right, and ahhhh, it’s alright not to be right”, Longhop tells bewildered raptors, “is good enough for the PM as long as the right exercise their full right not to be right”.  It is still not raining….

New Foreign Minister (without guns) Serima Pain has seen off a challenge from the PIF leader’s meeting to the Australian position that climate doesn’t exist.  It was a near run thing with lots of promises relating to belts and roads sealing the deal.  

The fact the China envoy berated the meeting for not opening with the China national anthem and a reading from the little red book of what happens when you don’t open the meeting with the anthem and a reading, assisted Pain persuade delegates.  The envoy went off in a huff and was last seen boarding a charter plane to Beijing.  Watch this space…

Breaking World News (summary):

Staffers of the Grabber-in-Chief have been penning op-ed pieces for leading newspapers, suggesting their leader is crazy and they spend all day finding ways to keep him away from a nuclear play.  “They are traitors”, tweeted the Grabber, “there treason knows no bounds…when I find who they are I’ll have them shot in the grounds”.

The identity of recent contestants in the British version of the virtual reality game show involving a toxic nerve agent and unsuspecting passers by have been revealed.  The macabre burlesque involved sprayed Russian perfumery and answering a series of questions backwards.  The backwards answers revealed the identity of the contestants…

British PM Foxweather May has returned from her exciting dance tour of Africa, where she entertained gathered crowds with her plucked chook two step.  It was so popular with hosts they cried for encores and pleaded with May to send emissaries to teach the dance moves to school children…she has agreed.