Installment 1(i) c

As voters head to the polls in multiple by-elections PM Trumble was caught on camera threatening a senior with re-location to Nauru;  she had the temerity to berate him on cutting penalty rates. Turnbull bellowed, “they don’t have penalty rates there or Newstart you old cow, just penalties without any hope of a new start…blame Bill!”

Spud Dutto doubled down on his warning that a vote for Labor was a vote for a “darkie ascendancy” that will be difficult to contain without the use of “citizen tests”.  The tests purportedly will include chugging 2 litres of beer whilst bouncing a footy and reciting the 2^nd verse of Advance Australia Nowhere.

Able Scomite and Saturnalia Rash have not been sighted on the campaign trail as public disquiet at their unscripted pronouncements on seniors’ compulsory euthanasia and bonking political staffers reached the ears of PM Trumble.  He wants pronouncements on the hustings limited to “jobs and growth” and “kill Bill”.

Breaking World News (summary)

The daughter of Grabber-in-Chief will cancel her line of fashion accessories.  “I can’t get the slave labour anymore”, she complained, “and Daddy’s brand is about as popular as genital warts”.

Imranalot Fizz has claimed victory in his country’s ‘Voice’ competition amidst howls of dissent from supporters of the other contestants, who claimed their mikes had been turned off and the band struck up a military waltz when it was their turn to sing.

The President of Nauru has given in to pressure and announced the island will be open to scrutiny by remote drone and trained seagulls…

Installment 1(i) b

 

PM Trumble announced the pension will be abolished and workers will not be eligible for Newstart until they’re 70. It’s a “survival of the fittest thing”, explained Trumble, “something I’ve been keen on since I was a whippet at Grammar School”.  Despite outcries that the pension is not welfare but an entitlement, Treasurer Able Scomite confirmed the new strategy and suggested workers take the ‘Jesus Saves’ lesson more seriously.

 

 

Minister for Energizing, Joshua Friedalot, told waiting raptors that 20 new coal fired power stations were needed to avert a shareholder revolt.  He has taken on board warnings from Cabinet colleagues that impending ructions to family trust holdings in coal would see the wealth of the 2% tumble precipitously. The risk of a backlash from the filthy rich was unacceptable.

Ex PM Bustem Keaton slammed the pending amalgamation of Fairfox and Nine S&M as the equivalent of Jo Stalin acquiring the Sisters of Charity to ‘humanise’ mass slaughter.  The ACCC is yet to consider the takeover but rumours of insider trading abound and Fairfox journalists are signing up for self-defence classes.  Meanwhile Nine have denied reports that Footy Show panellists will be candidates for the editorial staff of Fairfox.

Breaking World News (summary):

Onetime test fast bowler Imranalot Fizz appears destined for greatness on another stage…as votes are counted in the ‘Voice’ contest, Imranalot has edged ahead and is starting to count his goats before they become kebabs!

Nauru has again denied rumours that the island will be used for an upcoming Hollywood blockbuster –‘Escape from Desert Island’.

British PM Foxy Maxit is fighting a rearguard action to replace the nation’s foot, blown off in a shooting accident involving Boris Jonestown Massacre and the hunting of Tory squirrels and their nuts.

 Installment 1(i) a

 

PM Trumble wound up his visit to Tennant Creek with a stirring rendition of Waltzing Matilda, announcing pride in saving a jumbuck or two on night patrol and promising to send a task force to catch stragglers.

Mitchell Highfield announced great progress in transferring SBS and ABC on to analogue platforms. Rivers, selling stuff, creeks, shit and paddles all got a mention in questions from News raptors, but Highfield nimbly side stepped all of them and flicked a pass out the back to…someone.

Health Minister Ernst Funt denied rumours that IBM won the contract to fix gaps in the ‘our health’ mainframe. Funt explained that despite their excellent record in strategic alliances with governments, managing data from birth to death, IBM might not be the best ‘face’ of touchy feely government for all. They will have a role in the 'jobs and growth' programme...

Minister for Gratuitous Cruelty Spud Dutto was sighted whipping up the burghers of Braddon and Longman, warning  large gangs of dark hairy people will roam neighbourhoods if Labor candidates are elected. “The local KFC will be a living hell”, shouted Dutto, “I’m all that stands between your family’s safety and un-Australian accents on the streets”.

Breaking World News (summary):

Alt Nobel Peace Prize panel confirms Grabber-in-Chief nominated for going one day without threatening apocalyptic carnage...wait, wait, nomination withdrawn!!!

Nauru President denies reports Papillon 2 to be filmed on his island...

Reports Boris Jonestown Massacre and Grabber-in-Chief exchanged hairpieces vehemently denied by staffers... blond mongoose genome patent listed on stock exchange for startup investors by wig company.