Installment 1(i) b

 

PM Trumble announced the pension will be abolished and workers will not be eligible for Newstart until they’re 70. It’s a “survival of the fittest thing”, explained Trumble, “something I’ve been keen on since I was a whippet at Grammar School”.  Despite outcries that the pension is not welfare but an entitlement, Treasurer Able Scomite confirmed the new strategy and suggested workers take the ‘Jesus Saves’ lesson more seriously.

 

 

Minister for Energizing, Joshua Friedalot, told waiting raptors that 20 new coal fired power stations were needed to avert a shareholder revolt.  He has taken on board warnings from Cabinet colleagues that impending ructions to family trust holdings in coal would see the wealth of the 2% tumble precipitously. The risk of a backlash from the filthy rich was unacceptable.

Ex PM Bustem Keaton slammed the pending amalgamation of Fairfox and Nine S&M as the equivalent of Jo Stalin acquiring the Sisters of Charity to ‘humanise’ mass slaughter.  The ACCC is yet to consider the takeover but rumours of insider trading abound and Fairfox journalists are signing up for self-defence classes.  Meanwhile Nine have denied reports that Footy Show panellists will be candidates for the editorial staff of Fairfox.

Breaking World News (summary):

Onetime test fast bowler Imranalot Fizz appears destined for greatness on another stage…as votes are counted in the ‘Voice’ contest, Imranalot has edged ahead and is starting to count his goats before they become kebabs!

Nauru has again denied rumours that the island will be used for an upcoming Hollywood blockbuster –‘Escape from Desert Island’.

British PM Foxy Maxit is fighting a rearguard action to replace the nation’s foot, blown off in a shooting accident involving Boris Jonestown Massacre and the hunting of Tory squirrels and their nuts.