Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(ii) t

 

 

 

Spud Dutto has celebrated his recent close shave with a grand opening of a new agency for foreign au pairs.  The all light pink affair attracted many celebrities and rural aficionados of a good bet and mate’s rates, and members of the Society for Safe Seats.  

Dutto was in his element swinging from the hip, juggling several balls and singing ‘I am Australian’ in a lilting base baritone that compared favourably with the mating call of a cane toad.  A steward’s hearing into an earlier race meeting is proceeding but Dutto is defiant, calling all reports of his intervention ‘defamatory’.  Watch this space….

PM Scomite has arrived in Indonesia to a brass band welcome and high expectation of new trade deals.  The strategy includes no mention of the climate or ‘on water’ matters, a consultancy to train local choirs to sing ‘Kumbaya My Lord’, signing a cut price trade deal on import of tambourines and a promise not to mention the ‘crusades’.  

 Scomite was seen handing out signed copies of the ‘Jesus Saves’ hymn book, embossed GEN X lapel pins and Southern Cross DIY kits to assembled dignitaries. Raptors have learnt this largess stems from a cut price job lot of these Shire mementoes falling off a truck in Canberra recently.  “We can’t give them away at home”, an advisor explained, “…so we thought it would be a nice touch on his first visit to this heathen wasteland”.

Breaking World News (summary):

Visiting Samoan PM Hotpepper Sellsale described world leaders as a bunch of idiots who couldn’t find their way home without GPS.  Suggesting the majority should be committed to lunatic asylums, Sellsale promised to kick up quite a fuss about the decision to abolish climate and roads to nowhere at next week’s leaders’ forum in everybody’s favourite hellhole. 

Grabber-in-Chief has lambasted world trade as a waste of time.  “We’re going it alone”, tweeted the Grabber, “re-opening the old forest trails and mines to furnish the homes and fire the stoves, massacre the Indians and buffalo for entertainment and food, and dig for oil…because what doesn’t kill ya only makes ya stronger”.

Philippines President Roberto Muerte has cried out in the night “will no one rid me of that troublesome nun?”  Close aides say Muerte can’t sleep because of the nun’s pronouncements.  

 “He came to power on a platform of killing, maiming, displacing and arresting”, explained an aide, “this nun is terrifying as she treats our leader like a mattress to wipe her feet on".  Some in the know have suggested Muerte should sniff a tad less of the confiscated product and drink more green tea.