Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(ii) Island Hellhole Special Edition

To celebrate and welcome in a new dawn in Pacific relations PM Scomite will stay away from the PIF Leader’s meeting in everybody’s favourite island hellhole.  Stripped down to his jocks and visibly excited Scomite preferred the company of seer and augur radio jock Phobia Phones.  

Taking a leaf out of Senator Cormorant’s game book, Scomite launched an attack on girly persons worried about a few kiddies being scarred for life in the hellholes. “It doesn’t matter whether you’re a child, pregnant, woman or an unaccompanied minor”, claimed Scomite, “if you’re fit enough to get on a boat you’re fit enough for one of our hellholes”.  Phones agreed enthusiastically and suggested marathon swimming could be introduced to weed out the weakest.

 

After Scomite and Phones had such a great time discussing the politics of torturing kiddies they turned to another favourite topic, abolishing trade unions.  “I’m going to be an industrial relations PM”, explained Scomite, “Senator Rash has passed the baton to Telly O’Rorke…together we’re planning a nasty surprise for the Labor Movement not unlike the Zulus sprung at her namesake if you catch my drift.” They laughed and laughed and agreed to take a few callers.   

One call in response to a Union leader’s kiddies sporting banner suggesting Scomite go take advantage of himself, had the PM fuming, “…using kiddies for political gain is unacceptable to me and my junta, and reflects badly on anyone stooping so low”.   

One older woman caller asked Scomite if he thought about the Beatitudes when sending kiddies to hellholes. “They’re a lovely sweet”, replied Scomite, “I was sent a box of them one Christmas but the kids ate most of them”.

New Foreign Minister Serima Pain is girding her loins to take on the PIF leaders in place of PM Scomite. Calls for belts and roads funding and a recognition that climate exists are set to task the new Minister, who is new to foreign affairs without guns.   

She has declined a chance to visit the kiddies in their hellhole as this might raise expectations that the system can be gamed. 

The President of Nauru has given in to pressure yet again and announced the PIF meetings will be open to scrutiny by remote drone and trained seagulls. “The system will not be gamed on my watch”, Count Wacka told a local raptor, “and these kids have had the best time just stayin alive”.