Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(ii) m

 

Amidst news the NEG has limped into the starting gate reports are coming in of an incident between the travelling Tone Rabbott game show and a large truck on a road to nowhere in particular. Shreds of lycra littered the road and what appeared to be a human kite with red undies and enormous ears was dangling precariously from a massive smoldering tree nearby.  Posters with “WE ARE DOOMED” and “COAL IS GREAT” in large letters scattered in all directions and the dulcet tones of someone singing ‘Kumbaya’ wafted on the breeze.  Dream on….

 

NAB reported that business conditions continue to drift south, especially the ‘grift’ sector where profits are freefalling.  Bunker and tomb building have bucked the trend, providing relief to cement producers and masons.  As the Turkish Lira continues its impression of a diving duck stock brokers have removed their nose bags and are calibrating how much leveraged ballast they’ll need to avoid terminal nosebleed. On the upside Istanbul is up for sale at knock down rates…

PM Trumble has let fly at Bill Longhop for threatening to corral the GST like wild horses, reallocating bits away to dog meat suppliers and country race meetings anywhere but WA.  Longhop has described this claim as the demented ramblings of a failed leader fizzing on a lost highway.  “The people need an election right now”, Longhop told his party room, “…before this idiot mob sell the Parliamentary cutlery and drain Lake Burley Griffen to replenish Perth’s reservoirs”.

Breaking World News (summary):

The House of Faud has signalled an interest in purchasing Tesla from Lone Tusk.  Rumours of a stay in executions, a moratorium on kangaroo courts, gaudy palaces, illegal wiretaps, and late night raids on women's knitting groups are circulating ahead of the possibility of killing the goose that laid the “oil free” egg. 

Meanwhile China has denied reports the Uyghur and Tibetan nations are undergoing re-education programmes involving a little red book, lots of belts and roads to undisclosed destinations.  A spokesperson denied there was anything to see here except a lot of jolly yak herders at alt agri shows, festivals to celebrate clearing unnecessary clutter and some training sessions in calisthenics while singing the national anthem.  “Those who are deceived by religious tomfoolery … shall be assisted through resettlement and education………”