Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(ii) h

The NSW Government has declared the whole State in ‘drought’ but denies any connection to climate change.  “We're looking forward to Summer”, spruiked the Minister for Drought, “when we can get a handle on what’s really happening in China…we’ve known for some time that this is a commie plot to devalue land for a fire sale…we just didn’t realize the whole country would burn”.

NAPLAN has been suspended until further notice.  The Minister for Sprogs in Stress Steve Manchester has been forced to take extreme measures as data leaks shine a light on whether the fittest survivors are getting the best results or brainwashed chimps.  “The jury’s out”, Manchester told a raptor scrum, “until we calibrate the metadata with key indicators such as posture, nail and hair length.”

The Great Barrier Rort Foundation has put out a press release indicating it is desperate to give the tax deductible grant back to PM Trumble at the first opportunity. Retired Monty Oil executive Jason Schumann has pleaded for understanding.  “We have had to beat retired corporate executives off with sticks”, Schumann told raptors, “when these guys catch the smell of pre-laundered money its like a shark pool with a slow leak”.

Breaking World News (summary)

Grabber-in-Chief has blamed the arms for oil deal with Iran for the burning of California. “The Ayatollah should never have raised his head above the parapet”, tweeted the Grabber, “a huge price will have to be paid for this assault on our values but luckily we still have Ollie South available to negotiate a deal”.

Despite rave notices for the recent love in with North Korean Honcho Kim Jing-in, a spokesperson for the Grabber has announced the song duo they recorded has flopped in the charts. “’Missiles of Spring’ is a catchy tune”, she said, “but the American listening public is a fickle beast and the backup chorus left a bit to be desired”.

Boris Jonestown Massacre is back in the headlines, calling for PM Foxweather May to ban burqas at state funerals and to get on her bike to a nunnery at the first opportunity.  May declined both suggestions but is rumoured to have riposted, “I believe all women should be able to choose how they dress at funerals and nunneries”.