Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(iii) g

 

PM Scomite has thrown off any pretence after his recent national prayer tour that he’s actually a nice guy.  Reverting to type he’s called for poor people to be indentured to farmers for life, benighted souls on everyone’s favourite hell holes to be left there interminably without medical assistance or hope, and gay teachers to be consigned to a living hell, equivalent to being strapped to a loudspeaker at a Hillsong event.  

As the East Sydney quest for a new Emir approaches its denouement all the signs are pointing south for the junta, but several trough divers close to the PM are suggesting a move north.

In exciting news the country rump of the junta has revealed its youth wing has been out partying with bare knuckle fights, nude wrestling warthogs and downing pints whilst singing the Horst Wessel song backwards.  It’s been a revelation to many that young rural folk are demonstrating such a learned grasp of twentieth century political history, and a determination to put things right on several fronts including the national salute, why Eichmann was tried for managing camps that didn’t exist and what to do about all those pesky Jews.  

Good ole boys from the back blocks have always had a hankering for a return to the days of the ‘League’ and the fine tactic of ‘entryism’ to get rid of the burden of voting, multiple parties and democracy itself. Watch this space…

Breaking World News (summary):

In breaking news Grabber-in-Chief says no oil well will be left untapped in the search for the missing Saudi journalist thought to be turning slowly on a roasting spit in Riyadh.  The search is relentless as Saudi officials can no longer expect courtesy mints on their pillow in Grabber hotels.

In other news Prince Waldemoat and his new missus are pregnant, providing the British public with another free loader for life.  The Australian public are past excitement into a whole new realm of virtual Royals watching 24/7.  The sponsors are ecstatic…

China is putting its footballers through their paces at special ops training camps; in case something untoward breaks out while they're playing offshore.  “It’s to enhance their commitment to world peace”, explained a spokesperson, “in case of a red card they’ll know what to do”.

Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(iii) f

In breaking news the Sydney Opera House is to be converted into a visual display of tote betting. Notorious radio jockey Phobia Phones has struck again with a takeover of the Opera House as a venue for all bets racing, including options on the harbour ferry stakes and the very popular luxury liner derby.  NSW Premier Gwen Byalljigsup has likened this initiative to discovering a cure for one hit punching by reducing live music after hours.   

“Public spaces are for everyone”, Byalljigsup told raptors, “and placing bets as you roam the Opera House is a civic right which I’ll defend to the last hurdle”.  Phones has threatened anyone trying to stop this move with a signed copy of his last book and a year’s subscription to his serialized memoir.

Minister for Trough Diving Stewart Prune has acknowledged that paying back a few dollars appropriated to cover his delux internet coverage via NASA satellite is a small price to repay, when some of the other options involve incarceration for grand theft. 

Explaining that his residence is located in a very isolated part of the Gold Coast, largely un-serviced by meter maids, Prune pleaded for understanding and exercised his full right to distract all scrutiny with a year’s supply of KFC. “Nothing to see here”, tweeted Prune, “everything that happens on the Gold Coast stays on the Gold Coast, if you catch my drift”. 

Prune and fellow Gold Coast luminary Spud Dutto have now entered the knockout stage of competition for the virtual TV show ‘lifestyles of the rich and famous’.

PM Scomite continues his national prayer tour with celebrity events in WA this week. Pretending to be a man of the people Scomite kissed footys, threw babies and told everyone within cooee that he had loved a bet, a BBQ and AFL all his life.  The genuineness of the man came shining through as every day he donned a new baseball cap, work safe gear or footy jersey and got down to the business of conning everyone he met. 

Ordinary folk were largely avoided during the visit as they ask difficult questions about the whereabouts of ex-PM Trumble. “How the bloody hell are you?” and “G’day I’m Scomo” was heard repeated everywhere he went, which was mostly to secure facilities managed by the LNP.

Breaking World News (summary):

Grabber-in-Chief and North Korea Honcho Kim Jing-in have called for a re-count by the Nobel Peace Prize committee.  Expectations of a joint prize win have been dashed, and their joint single release has gone to ‘remainder’ status.  The shared love expressed by the two leaders will doubtless get them through this crisis of confidence.

British PM Foxweather May has danced her way into Tory history with a stirring performance of her plucked chook two step whilst singing at the annual conference.  The ‘dancing queen’ was in fine form as she went through her numbers in front of a gasping crowd of admirers.  A few muttered the band was off and the PM had smoked crack, but the love in the air was palpable.

The Grabber’s candidate for court supremo has sailed through Senate hearings with barely a scratch.  The FBI was called in to give Judge Savanah a clean bill of health.  After interviewing his immediate family and his three best friends, they found him   innocent of rapacious activities and so ready to decide the fate of America’s women.  Watch this space….

 

Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(iii) e

 

 

In breaking news PM Scomite has upbraided his fellow citizens to stop their self-flagellation and get on with celebrating everything light pink on Australia day.  ‘We’re a country where all your gains have been bequeathed by Monarchs during their reign, backed up by big Daddy in heaven”, crowed Scomite, “it’s wealthy light pink folk like me and Rup who have forged this country into a second rate land of leaners, fixers and dodgy deals, beholden to others, afraid of brown people on boats and where paying your tax and value adding is for fools”. 

Scomite has announced a new day to celebrate everyone else…. In a stupid country, we let ourselves be bullied and fooled by people unfit to rule, but celebrate the Australian way….

In other news the ABC honcho is no more.  She tripped on the stairs on the way to the office, and is now on life support.  Mortified she is, barely able to speak; she is hunkered down in a hospice for retiring CEOs with her abacus. 

Rumours circulate, the Board is mute, and Scomite seemed to know but is busy with his commute. Planes and trucks and automobiles and fitting sessions for ultra large work safe gear fill his day but the fate of the lost CEO barely raises an eyebrow.  “It’s the Board’s job and they do it for a living…we just appoint the guys we like and leave it to them to do the killing”.

New stories have emerged of elder folk being abused for cash.  Their relatives pay, too much they say, but at the end of the day, their old folk are just ancient kiddies anyway, with nothing to say. You can slap them and kick them and pull them every which way, until they bleed and pee themselves in the cutest way.  It’s another poster for Australia Day. 

They say how you treat your weakest is the measure of a nation…we barely trouble the scorer when it comes to the disabled and aged but we love our footy, a bet and some smug bastard lying to us routinely about celebrating our achievements “sensitively, respectfully, proudly, together.”

 Breaking World News (summary)

Grabber-in-Chief continues to laud the salacious stories emerging of his nominee for judge supremo.  Matt Savanah has claimed ‘virginity’ as defence against claims of rapacious activities.  “I was innocent as a lamb in those days”, tweeted the Judge, “it was hard to remember through the tequila fog but I do remember something about a dog. What happened in Maryland…got talked about a lot in Yale”.

British PM Foxweather May is struggling with calls for an end to her days. Numbers are tight and the band is on song; the comatose parrot of Brexit refuses to move and the Irish are humming a wishful tune…

The Grabber’s Attorney-General is on the skids, refusing to break laws at his boss’s whim.  “I made that guy the attorney honcho”, tweeted the Grabber, “and he’s been a complete flopper…his deputy is no better…I’ll have to take them to the chopper.”

Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(iii) d

 

 

Minister for Gratuitous Cruelty Spud Dutto had a near death experience in Parliament today.  Nearly half the chamber attacked him with spud peelers until his only recourse was to jump in the Speaker’s lap for sanctuary.  Refusing to incriminate himself after being found to have lied comprehensively on just about everything since he was a nipper, Dutto challenged his detractors to prove his integrity is more or less for sale to the highest bidder with the best free steak knives and cut-price chalets by the river.

PM Scomite has lauded his colleague’s tenacity and has promised him a 3D copy of the ‘I stopped these’ trophy adorning his office, and an embossed picture of everyone’s favourite island hellhole signed by all the kiddies in his care.

The strawberry needles pandemic has been gazetted an act of terror by the PM and will attract the death penalty.  Banging his chest furiously Scomite berated strawberry abusers and accused them of fruit whispering. “You’re cowardly grubs”, fumed Scomite, “and we shall hunt you down, and throw the big book at you”. 

Remainder stores are in touch with authorities offering their biggest books at cut-down prices. Meanwhile discussion of Muppets, au pairs, obscene rap songs in Parliament, and Liberal party women MPs seeking protective shelter has given way to “strawberry fields for ever”…

The au pair saga continues with reports emerging boats filled with scantily clad light pink au pairs have been intercepted off Port Stephens.  Minister Dutto has pulled out all stops to get them allocated to his agency post haste.  The waiting list for ‘illegal’ au pairs is long and members of the Safe Seats Society are preferred as their steak knives and cut-price chalets are the best.  

The Senate has found Dutto did not declare his full interests in the agency that manages the trade, but the man who escaped the chip fryer this morning has thumbed his nose at those trying to test his mettle.  “I’m the best, when only the best will do”, shouted Dutto, “they can’t catch me cause I verbal for a living and I’m all that stands between a good Aussie deal and un-Australian pilfering”. 

Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(iii) c

 

After he cut aged care to the bone PM Able Scomite announced an inquiry into dastardly deeds done dirt cheap to elder folk in every city, town and street.  “It’s a great way to cover our bum”, Scomite told raptors, “we denied there was a problem, denied we cut and run, claimed aged entitlements are welfare, then came out like the rising sun with a sheriff pointing a gun – job done”.   

Spokespersons for the aged have suggested that anything said by Scomite should be comprehensively scorned and that elder folk would be wise to sharpen their pencils for the only poll that can't be ignored.

Fatso Droop is excited by news of his rap song becoming the new Liberal anthem. With lashings of casual sex and dripping with misogyny it’s perfect for Scomite’s push to make the junta more responsive to women. “Who f***ing tonight? Who f***ing tonight?” is now opening junta meetings and all are encouraged to raise their hands and sing-along. 

Women in the junta are so excited at the turn of events some have been seen leaping out Parliamentary windows unaided.  The few that can be found on a sitting day are wondering how to survive the upcoming bloodbath from week to week. Very few are members of the ‘safe seats’ elite and the chances of getting a new Guernsey are looking exceedingly bleak.  The boys are running the show and revel in a good tweet, “Who f***ing tonight, who f***ing tonight”. It seems the guys have the running and all is sweet…

Breaking World News (summary):

The Grabber-in-Chief’s guy for the Supreme Court denies groping any 15 year olds on his rise to power.  “She just doesn’t like me”, tweeted Matt Savanah, “it’s a Roe V Wade thing and I do it for the cause, of keeping women in their place and bowing to our oars”.

China has denied there’s anything to see where 10% of the Uighurs reside.  “A little re-training is good for the soul”, explained a spokesperson, “they should give thanks to the State for making the effort to set them straight on the path to transformation through re-education – its to let them know we care”.