Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(iii) d

 

 

Minister for Gratuitous Cruelty Spud Dutto had a near death experience in Parliament today.  Nearly half the chamber attacked him with spud peelers until his only recourse was to jump in the Speaker’s lap for sanctuary.  Refusing to incriminate himself after being found to have lied comprehensively on just about everything since he was a nipper, Dutto challenged his detractors to prove his integrity is more or less for sale to the highest bidder with the best free steak knives and cut-price chalets by the river.

PM Scomite has lauded his colleague’s tenacity and has promised him a 3D copy of the ‘I stopped these’ trophy adorning his office, and an embossed picture of everyone’s favourite island hellhole signed by all the kiddies in his care.

The strawberry needles pandemic has been gazetted an act of terror by the PM and will attract the death penalty.  Banging his chest furiously Scomite berated strawberry abusers and accused them of fruit whispering. “You’re cowardly grubs”, fumed Scomite, “and we shall hunt you down, and throw the big book at you”. 

Remainder stores are in touch with authorities offering their biggest books at cut-down prices. Meanwhile discussion of Muppets, au pairs, obscene rap songs in Parliament, and Liberal party women MPs seeking protective shelter has given way to “strawberry fields for ever”…

The au pair saga continues with reports emerging boats filled with scantily clad light pink au pairs have been intercepted off Port Stephens.  Minister Dutto has pulled out all stops to get them allocated to his agency post haste.  The waiting list for ‘illegal’ au pairs is long and members of the Safe Seats Society are preferred as their steak knives and cut-price chalets are the best.  

The Senate has found Dutto did not declare his full interests in the agency that manages the trade, but the man who escaped the chip fryer this morning has thumbed his nose at those trying to test his mettle.  “I’m the best, when only the best will do”, shouted Dutto, “they can’t catch me cause I verbal for a living and I’m all that stands between a good Aussie deal and un-Australian pilfering”.