Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(ii) o

 

 Alarmed the Rabbott game show survived its recent ‘near death’ experience on a road to nowhere, PM Trumble has reverted to type and banned use of the term 'emissions' in a sentence including the word ‘climate’. “The only emissions I’m worried about are various forms of flatulence after eating that bloody curried goat served at fund raisers…I always feel like I’ve been pumped like a Rooster’s football after those dreadful appeasement bashes”.   

 

The Government Printer has been instructed to delete all mention of ‘emissions’ in propaganda pamphlets and Whole of Government missives.  Trumble continues to rely on his old masthead adage – ‘an abiding love of oneself will convince everyone to do the same’. [Apologies to the one and only Gadabout]

 

 

Minister for Gratuitous Cruelty Spud Dutto has had his leadership aspirations dashed.  Responding to a groundswell of three colleagues Dutto was canvassing support in recent days.  When it turned out enthusiasts were restricted to those three morning coffee chums, his immediate family and the neighbour’s dog, Dutto reined in expectations and returned to his bunker.  “I’ll be back in a tick,” Dutto shouted over loudspeakers, “I’m still all that stands between voters and un-Australian accents”.

Reports are emerging that consultants diving in the Government trough are so weighed down by tax deductible largess they’re experiencing difficulties surfacing. After clearing his snorkel at the third attempt, one recidivist told a raptor off the record, “we’re getting that much free milk from ‘the Dairy’…a group of us are considering opening our own cheese factory”.  In a frank interview, ‘retiring’ Border Guard Honcho, Romanesque Quaestorius, described the consultant incursion as like “a pack of predatory sharks hitting a bait ball in a feeding frenzy".

The Batter ascendancy in Kennedy has been dealt a savage blow.  In expectation of all Kennedy’s wild pigs  being corralled for hunting safaris led by Batter himself, he was sighted running nude through the scrub with a German hunting horn from the 1940s to round them up.   

 

Unfortunately a few of the pigs had different ideas and Batter was forced to hurriedly climb a large rain tree, catching his testicles on the way up.  His once dulcet blast has now turned to a squeak….

Breaking World News (summary):

The judge in the Castlemann ‘endless graft’ trial has been threatened with death unless he redefines what ‘reasonable doubt’ is.  Pundits agree that this means ‘certain’ larceny, theft, fraud and other fund raising irregularities might have to be considered ‘reasonable’ in the parallel world occupied by the Grabber-in-Chief and his minions.

 

 

Imranalot Fizz has been confirmed as winner of the Pakistani ‘Voice’ competition. He plans to form a coalition with other singers to mount an assault on the ‘choir of the century’ World Cup to be held in neighbouring India next year.  Fizz will be relying on military bands to assist his choruses practice for an assault on the big prize.

 

The White House has announced a fire sale on eBay of security clearances stripped from anyone suggesting the Grabber is an enemy of the people.  Fox News has agreed to host an evening with the stars to promote the event, with live crosses to eBay bidding and the “USA Freedom Kids” choir performing a suite of songs for the tone deaf.