Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(ii) Island Hellhole Special Edition

To celebrate and welcome in a new dawn in Pacific relations PM Scomite will stay away from the PIF Leader’s meeting in everybody’s favourite island hellhole.  Stripped down to his jocks and visibly excited Scomite preferred the company of seer and augur radio jock Phobia Phones.  

Taking a leaf out of Senator Cormorant’s game book, Scomite launched an attack on girly persons worried about a few kiddies being scarred for life in the hellholes. “It doesn’t matter whether you’re a child, pregnant, woman or an unaccompanied minor”, claimed Scomite, “if you’re fit enough to get on a boat you’re fit enough for one of our hellholes”.  Phones agreed enthusiastically and suggested marathon swimming could be introduced to weed out the weakest.

 

After Scomite and Phones had such a great time discussing the politics of torturing kiddies they turned to another favourite topic, abolishing trade unions.  “I’m going to be an industrial relations PM”, explained Scomite, “Senator Rash has passed the baton to Telly O’Rorke…together we’re planning a nasty surprise for the Labor Movement not unlike the Zulus sprung at her namesake if you catch my drift.” They laughed and laughed and agreed to take a few callers.   

One call in response to a Union leader’s kiddies sporting banner suggesting Scomite go take advantage of himself, had the PM fuming, “…using kiddies for political gain is unacceptable to me and my junta, and reflects badly on anyone stooping so low”.   

One older woman caller asked Scomite if he thought about the Beatitudes when sending kiddies to hellholes. “They’re a lovely sweet”, replied Scomite, “I was sent a box of them one Christmas but the kids ate most of them”.

New Foreign Minister Serima Pain is girding her loins to take on the PIF leaders in place of PM Scomite. Calls for belts and roads funding and a recognition that climate exists are set to task the new Minister, who is new to foreign affairs without guns.   

She has declined a chance to visit the kiddies in their hellhole as this might raise expectations that the system can be gamed. 

The President of Nauru has given in to pressure yet again and announced the PIF meetings will be open to scrutiny by remote drone and trained seagulls. “The system will not be gamed on my watch”, Count Wacka told a local raptor, “and these kids have had the best time just stayin alive”.

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Spud Dutto has celebrated his recent close shave with a grand opening of a new agency for foreign au pairs.  The all light pink affair attracted many celebrities and rural aficionados of a good bet and mate’s rates, and members of the Society for Safe Seats.  

Dutto was in his element swinging from the hip, juggling several balls and singing ‘I am Australian’ in a lilting base baritone that compared favourably with the mating call of a cane toad.  A steward’s hearing into an earlier race meeting is proceeding but Dutto is defiant, calling all reports of his intervention ‘defamatory’.  Watch this space….

PM Scomite has arrived in Indonesia to a brass band welcome and high expectation of new trade deals.  The strategy includes no mention of the climate or ‘on water’ matters, a consultancy to train local choirs to sing ‘Kumbaya My Lord’, signing a cut price trade deal on import of tambourines and a promise not to mention the ‘crusades’.  

 Scomite was seen handing out signed copies of the ‘Jesus Saves’ hymn book, embossed GEN X lapel pins and Southern Cross DIY kits to assembled dignitaries. Raptors have learnt this largess stems from a cut price job lot of these Shire mementoes falling off a truck in Canberra recently.  “We can’t give them away at home”, an advisor explained, “…so we thought it would be a nice touch on his first visit to this heathen wasteland”.

Breaking World News (summary):

Visiting Samoan PM Hotpepper Sellsale described world leaders as a bunch of idiots who couldn’t find their way home without GPS.  Suggesting the majority should be committed to lunatic asylums, Sellsale promised to kick up quite a fuss about the decision to abolish climate and roads to nowhere at next week’s leaders’ forum in everybody’s favourite hellhole. 

Grabber-in-Chief has lambasted world trade as a waste of time.  “We’re going it alone”, tweeted the Grabber, “re-opening the old forest trails and mines to furnish the homes and fire the stoves, massacre the Indians and buffalo for entertainment and food, and dig for oil…because what doesn’t kill ya only makes ya stronger”.

Philippines President Roberto Muerte has cried out in the night “will no one rid me of that troublesome nun?”  Close aides say Muerte can’t sleep because of the nun’s pronouncements.  

 “He came to power on a platform of killing, maiming, displacing and arresting”, explained an aide, “this nun is terrifying as she treats our leader like a mattress to wipe her feet on".  Some in the know have suggested Muerte should sniff a tad less of the confiscated product and drink more green tea.

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 Raptor favourite and self-confessed news tart Spud Dutto has hung on to his Ministry of Gratuitous Cruelty by a whisker.  Although ‘on water’ matters have taken a bit of a flogging in recent days with new arrivals from the Saigon adventure holiday bureau, Dutto is recovering well from limb loss and a close shave of his nether region.   

 

 

 

A known champion of the dodgy horse race, Dutto is celebrating news that one of his recent bets on a French mare in a nobbled country race came through on the inside.  Stewards and punters are crying foul but an inquiry into dodgy dealings has not dented Dutto’s faith in a system built on graft and mate’s rates.

 

 

New PM Scomite has welcomed new faces to the ruling junta, shuffling a few deck chairs to make space.  Each has been issued with a signed “Jesus Saves” hymn book, a Southern Cross DIY kit and a beginner’s guide book to family trusts.  

 

 “I wake up every day wanting the best for Australian mates”, Scomite told his new acolytes in a rousing call to play, “this is the juice, the Golden Fleece, the dressed lamb leg, the BBQ'd prawn, and a Sharkie’s penalty try….so, where the bloody hell are you?” A deafening response of “here” echoed down the empty corridors since everyone else in the building had gone home.

Breaking World News (summary):

The Grabber-in-Chief has threatened Google with sanctions as nothing but bad news ever comes up when his name is ‘googled’. “This peddler of fake news has to be brought to heal”, tweeted the Grabber, “they have it so rigged I’m this bad guy who builds walls, locks up kiddies, makes fun of the disabled, calls black commentators stupid and hates our allies…what next?”

The Grabber has bowed to the will of the people and recused himself from attending any celebration of the life of maverick Senator Don McCabe.  “Get the flags back up and stop all this hoo haa about that failed pilot”, tweeted the Grabber,”…he never understood the pain of my bone spurs or the risks I took on some of those foreign golf courses”.

The Grabber has terminated all deals with neighbours to the north and south.  “I’ve left the table, I’m out of the game”, tweeted the Grabber, “I’ll write a tweet cause I’m the tweeter, you know my name”.  

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Brand spanking new PM Scomite has announced his brand spanking new ministry. Raptors noticed a remarkable resemblance to the old ministry with the addition of several who deny climate exists and a couple who make their own.  The PM is heading to central Queensland where staffers have corralled a few voters who were able to identify Scomite from his earlier ‘on water’ pronouncements or lack thereof. 

Product differentiation is on everyone’s lips within cooee of the new PM who loves a jingle.  He often says “do you chew on coal?” and “where the bloody hell are you?” without expecting an answer. It seems party elders are wondering much the same…

New polls have confirmed what everyone except a few knife wielding idiots competing in the hunger games last week already knew:   punters think they decide who leads them and when that leader should be changed.  Old heads in the ruling junta are ruminating over whether to tattoo this dictum on the forehead of all incumbents.

The Tone Rabbott game show has been quiet for three days, leaving observers to speculate whether a special event is being prepared by or for the host.  Some have suggested a bike marathon across the Pacific would be the ticket or perhaps a seat on board the next Voyager expedition. Watch this space…

Ex PM Trumble has left the site of last week’s bloodbath to take the waters, heal the wounds and consider future cloud seeding investments.  When he heard Tone Rabbott’s sister was thinking of taking up the heavy mantle of Emir of Eastern Sydney he offered to provide the names of his printer and personal cloud seeders to anyone prepared to puncture her tyres…

Breaking World News (summary):

Zimbabwe’s Honcho elect Palmer Mygangwon will keep up the gaudy sash tradition of the country’s one previous ruler.  He’s promised to lift the ban on unscheduled street singing and release songsters from prison who struggled with the chorus he wrote for them.

Indonesia authorities are getting ready to welcome Australia’s new Honcho with a tour of their human rights commission, anti terrorism HQ and ISIS retraining camps to make him feel at home.  On water matters and refoulement strategies once run by PM Scomite have played no small part in keeping these guys in work.

A lone wolf light pink guy has settled scores in Florida on losing several rounds of an eSports tournament.  Local authorities denied the incident had anything to do with it being as easy to get a gun as an all day sucker.  “He just misunderstood the play”, explained a spokesperson, “it’s easy to confuse your repeat action Glock with the game shooter”.