Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(ii) k

 

 

PM Trumble and Minister for Union Bashing Saturnalia Rash were seen supping together at a local café after a joint press conference. They welcomed reports that new penalty rate cuts would not ignite a boom in employment. “No one likes to work on Sundays”, crooned Trumble, “it was always about shitty jobs for the poor and growth for owners…that’s the Liberal way.” Scoffing at suggestions retail and hospitality were actually going backwards Rash was typically combative. “I don’t see union bosses fronting up for indentured labour on Sundays”, crowed Rash, “the hoi polloi get your coffee…they always will and they don't vote for us anyway". Large men in reflector jackets were gathering at exits holding placards that said “Our Mums like penalty rates”…

Minister for Energizing Friedalot reassured raptors that the NEG would pass through the joint LNP party room like a dose of Epsom salts. Friedalot rebutted rumours that Tone Rabbott and friends were planning an ambush somewhere between the party room and the lavatory. “Tone may be the suppository of wisdom but we have curried way too many goats in appeasement of the volcano gods to go anywhere but forward in this space”. Orderlies with a restraining jacket loomed behind the Minister as he finished speaking…

Breaking World News (summary):

News that the imposition of crippling tariffs on Turkey is against WTO rules has not impressed the Grabber-in-Chief. “I’m using tariffs like a large cannon pointed at President Upagain’s head”, tweeted the Grabber, "by the time I’ve finished the lira will be as valuable as empty shell casings”.

NASA has suspended its probe of the Sun as the Grabber tweeted, “hold, hold, hold”. It turns out Helium for the launch had been siphoned off to fill balloons launched by the Grabber in recent weeks. “By the time my trade balloons come home to roost”, tweeted the Grabber, “we will be ready for WW3”.

The man with the longest fingernails is recovering well after donating them to the Grabber Museum of Big Things in New York. “I’ve been saving on clippers since 1952”, tweeted Shankar Chiller, “but scratching was like pole vaulting with elephant vines”.