Other News Yesterday - Installment 2(ii) Special "Votes for boats" edition

 

 

PM Scomite is excited at news his Christmas Island gulag reopening strategy has been greeted in people smuggling circles with unabashed glee.   

The detention centre led recovery is being heralded in all quarters as a masterful stroke of political genius, alongside flying on a bus trip, featuring lumps of coal as the country descends into climate chaos, and, best of all, blaming the climate on the weather.   

All in all it has been a stellar conglomeration of ‘events’, ‘strategies’ and startling ‘declarations’ that have marked Scomite’s unique leadership of the junta, as he charts a course through unnavigable flood plains and fire prone wilderness over what just about everyone agrees will be a dismal cliff of electoral misfortune.   

As the country limps out of fire ravaged and flood pillaged landscapes, the image of a leader brandishing a lump of coal and raving about ‘on water’ matters is the electoral equivalent of announcing feral pigs are the solution to bank misbehaviour.   Counsellors are on standby for political staffers trying to make the best of a grim outlook….

As the Parliament limps toward the end of its first week of actually doing what the taxpayers pay it to do the augurs for junta success are decidedly jaundiced.  It can’t win a vote, it can’t close the gap, it can’t find its toothbrush and economic girly persons are running amok in both houses.   

Reports of rampant sexual flagrancy and unwanted attentions to public servants, staffers and anyone misfortunate enough to come within cooee of certain members after they’ve had a few continue to ‘fall’ into the hands of waiting raptors, who love a good tale of sexual flagrancy on the part of our elected representatives.  Even Perilous Pantson has been accused of untoward groping, which has startled the chooks and sent several crows flying backwards…

The disturbing sight of the PM flailing his arms furiously and threatening all kinds of dire consequences to those responsible for the imagined flotillas of boats setting sail for Christmas Island has the whole nation on edge.   

Shrill outcries of ‘on water matters’ and ‘armadas of boat people’ litter Scomite’s working day, which has some observers pondering the mental stability of the junta leader.  References to Dr Strangelove and ‘don’t mention the vote’ abound as staffers do their best to quieten their boss with gentle shopping centre muzak and little jingles about where the bloody hell are you and whether you’re 100% pure.  Watch this space…

Other News Yesterday - Installment 2(i) Special New Year edition

 

 

As the New Year dawns the polls remain dire for the ruling junta, benighted souls on offshore gulags swelter and occasionally die, stars continue their perambulation across Southern skies, fish die in their millions in stunted rivers, fires threaten anywhere it’s not raining, and floods threaten everywhere it is.  In the magical land of OZ all is not well it seems but we’re told everything will be fixed by more coal, less tax, more cyber security, less Chinese billionaires, more sick people in offshore gulags, less scrutiny of new security laws, more fear, less hope…and, what was the question again??

PM Scomite and Minister for Gratuitous Cruelty Dutto have taken it upon themselves to warn all burghers that a wave of criminals, terrorists and mad miscreants are on their way to our shores the minute a proposed law to have doctors approve medical transfers from offshore gulags is passed.  The new Emir of East Sydney’s proposed law is creating such waves we are warned that life as we know it will be at risk the moment decent dealings with people escaping shitty situations on boats starts. 

The populace waits with bated breath as the countdown to the ruling junta losing a vote on the floor of Parliament beckons.  Most of the citizenry have opted for a good lie down and await heralds alerting them that it’s their turn to vote.

Minister for Foreign Affairs with Guns Curly Pine has been throwing himself about like a drunken sailor with the clap in a last ditch attempt to scare the polyps off anyone thinking of decent dealings with boat people.  “We will be looking at an apocalyptic situation”, shrilled Pine, “as bands of sick people descend on our hospitals and clinics for life saving treatment…the horror, the horror”.

Meanwhile Bill Longhop has been taking a leisurely stroll around country neighbourhoods as part of his ‘greet the people’ bus tour of anywhere PM Scomite confused with his Claytons tour last year.  The impact of the Scomite visit has been such that CWA and church halls across the land have had to seek loans to cover the out-of-pocket expenses of his no-shows and counselling services for poor souls where he did show up.   

The unscripted prayer healings were too much for some, alarmed by so much brown snake oil being thrown about with such abandonment.  Longhop has agreed to assist with the Scomite fall out and has industrial cleaners on standby for affected communities.

Breaking World News (summary):

 

The Grabber-in-Chief continues his daily round of wall, fence, barricade spruiking, threatening to turn off the water and sewerage services to Congress if he can’t get satisfaction.   

The workers who turn things off and on haven’t been paid but the Grabber is confident the military will step in it if necessary.

British PM Foxweather May is winging it to Ireland to explain why the ‘Troubles’ may have to reopen as she can’t get anyone on the mainland to do her bidding on anything much.  “It’s for the British people you see”, chimed May, “that Tories have always had to take the hard decisions…we will never surrender”.

PNG has gratefully welcomed news that Australia will lengthen the Manus naval jetty to enable a new patrol boat to pull alongside.  Beijing military strategists have been thrown into such a panic they’re considering counter measures such as the launch of a weather balloon.  The Pacific ‘step up’ with a patrol boat or two is such a departure from the last 20 years of considered inactivity it is reported China has had to revise its strategic plan.

 

Other News Yesterday - Special Christmas edition

 

PM Scomite has been running unbound since he managed to escape the day of the long chisels, narrowly avoiding back door encryption denial and decent dealings with people escaping shitty situations on boats.  With a smirk that has cats in cream jealous he has trashed a decades long stratagem to manage Jerusalem as part of a two state solution, which has everyone cranky; and, announced a junta sponsored anti-corruption agency to police everyone but the junta and its friends in closed hearings, providing a threshold for ‘grand theft polly’ is discernible and those affected have been given sufficient heads up to get their affairs in order.   

He has trumpeted a surplus in the next budgetary cycle, based on a coal driven solution to all things climactic, ongoing fair trade between corporate all day suckers affixed to the Grabber-in-Chief and China juntas, and an optimistic view that mother nature unbound is not about to exact a terrible toll for carbon abuses.

 

In other news Bill Longhop has foretold the end of days, the end of poverty, the end of boozy lunches with benefits, and the end of tax holidays at mate’s rates for fully paid up members and associates of the Safe Seats Society.  With all the flare and sparks of a conductor of a Sunday school tambourine ensemble, Bill regaled delegates at the alternative junta’s annual bash with tales from the movement’s crypt, exhuming spirits of the faithful dead, memories of hill lightings past and exhorting members to grasp the hour, butcher the day and flog the horse.   

It was scintillating to watch the PM ‘anticipatorius’ strut his stuff, preen his chooks and ready the feather dusters for the upcoming goat circus that will deliver the junta banners into their keeping, for at least a year or so.

Meanwhile the country swelters, melts and teeters toward a fiery, moth eaten cataclysm as India humiliates us in cricket yet again.  Odes to the day when we could actually score enough runs to be competitive for five days are being written by the few journalists and commentators remaining whose brains aren’t terminally soused by red wine and who can write something that doesn’t involve ‘going forward’ from the ‘get go’ ‘in this space’ at the ‘end of the day’, which, when you think about it, essentially sums up the state of the nation and our cricket – ergo, “going forward from the get go in this space at the end of the day we’re waltzing matilda toward a billabong as dry as a bull’s bum going up a hill backwards.”

Happy tree festival to all Alter’s readers….

Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(iv) c

 

 

Refreshed from a ‘very cold and deadly silent’ day on the hustings PM Scomite has launched into a new campaign guaranteed to see the junta on the bus to nowhere for at least a decade.  He’s dissing everyone within cooee of his latest prayer bash including the newly minted Emir of East Sydney, kiddies striking to get the climate acknowledged, and of course the burghers of Victoria who have fallen for cultural Marxism and skin crawling policies like better health and education for the hoi polloi.  

 

Meanwhile Minister Spud Dutto is on sick leave in the bunker, apparently nursing an arm he caught in a Labor vote machine trying to remove ballots in one of the rotten boroughs previously thought to be secured by the ‘procurator’ of safe seats.  Sporting an arm cast, against a backdrop of posters warning of the eminent threat of Sudanese crime gangs sweeping north, Dutto shouted he’ll be back “because I’m still the only bastion standing between punters, un-Australian accents and invading Guatemalans”.

 

Less virulent members of the junta are starting to miss ex PM Trumble and to wonder why they supped at the magic cauldron café opened by Spud Dutto and Muster Cormorant out back of Parliament in the days leading up to the long night of the blunt potato peelers.  Regrets and recriminations are flying around junta circles and there’s talk of another coup to clear the air.  Raptors don hard hats when they go in for a backgrounder from front benchers just in case there's a sudden unsheathing of knives and frozen meat pies. 

Consensus around the need for an Elliot Ness style crime commission is tightening around the PM like a Spanish garrotte. As the day looms of an end to the ‘endless summer’ of negative gearing, which has seen six junta members own eighty properties between them, a sense of panic is detectable in the junta corridors, a frisson of anticipation of time to be spent in incarceration.  Honest taxpayers everywhere watch this space…

Breaking World News (summary):

The Grabber-in-Chief has refuted a report from his own agencies and scientists that climate exists. “More raking is what’s needed”, tweeted the Grabber, “"I've seen it, I've read some of it, and it's fine…I don't believe it.”

The Grabber has laughed off any suggestion that America cares about the pathetic attempt at a cover-up of a targeted spit roasting of a journalist by the House of Saud. “These sand jockeys aren’t used to covering up”, tweeted the Grabber, “some people in this country still think the Kennedy killing was an act of God.”

British PM Foxweather May has still not taken holy orders, despite calls for her to cease and desist selling the troubled kingdom down the river to all and sundry across the channel.  She’s just returned from Brussels waving a piece of paper, not unlike a predecessor returning from Munich declaring ‘peace in our time’.

Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(iv) Special APEC edition

 

 

In the wash-up after APEC the good folk of the People’s Republic of PNG are counting their blessings.  It seems they have a couple of new roads to nowhere and 40 Maseratis to drive on them, a lovely new building which nobody wants or needs, soft loans which will outlast uranium, a naval base led recovery on Manus, a promise of power for all sometime in the next millennium and the break out of a new Cold War in the Pacific. 

Rumours China had already bought our nearest northern neighbour had been vehemently denied by PM Teeter O’Peal.  “We are selling stuff to China like everyone else”, O’Peal told a raptor, “it doesn’t mean we have become paid up members of the belts and roads club but anything not bolted down is for sale”.  When extras from a Hong Kong gangster movie baled up the PNG Foreign Minister for a while because they didn’t like the colour of his tie, it seemed to belie O’Peal’s denial but normal transmission was resumed with the intervention of ‘security’.

The warm and fuzzy feeling everyone gets from APEC leaders making fools of themselves at the end of proceedings didn’t seem to work this year.  Perhaps the appearance of armed men at every turn of China’s leader had an effect.  

PM Scomite was reassured by the presence of a heavily armed warship nearby, but raptors detected a certain frisson at every event.  “We haven’t got the rent”, explained a China spokesperson, “so we will be back with some heavy lifters”.  Raptors weren’t able to report on many meetings as extras from a Hong Kong gangster movie expelled them at every opportunity.  “This is our country now”, a spokesperson from China media explained, “we make the news, we report the news, we own the news”.

In breaking news the People’s Republic of Tonga has announced full membership of the China belts and roads club.  To avoid being towed to the South China Sea and set up as a fully staffed holiday resort for PLA celebrities, the good folk of Tonga have ceded all sovereignty and will take up knitting woollen caps for stranded Uyghurs and Tibetans undergoing re-education programmes involving a little red book, and lots of belts and roads to undisclosed destinations.  

Some Tongans concerned about this strategy were told by a spokesperson there was nothing to see except a lot of jolly yak and goat herders at alt agricultural shows, a few festivals to celebrate clearing unnecessary clutter and some training sessions in calisthenics while singing the national anthem.  “Those who are deceived by Buddhist and Muslim tomfoolery … shall be assisted through resettlement and education”.  The Christian population of Tonga are greatly comforted….

Meanwhile China’s roads and belts to nowhere are gathering pace…sea bridges and bridges of the sea are springing up everywhere, like mushrooms out of the soup.  “We are bringing an understanding of the President’s new way to all and sundry across bridges born out of a liberation day”.   

This is a great comfort to Pacific leaders who plan to sign up for the programme.  PM Scomite has countered with his own ‘belt and road’ style Pacific initiative in partnership with Japan, Canada and USA. “We are going to build bridges between the Pacific Islands and Australia”, Scomite explained, “Using Australian steel, workers and banks in consort with anyone but China." 

We’re a tad concerned about undersea footings, but where there’s a tax holiday there’s a way”.  The initiative will be known as ‘Alt Debt and Deficit Lite’.  “China’s roads may be straighter than ours”, tweeted Scomite, “but we know where all the tracks are going and where the money’s laundered”.