Other News Yesterday - Installment 2(iv) Special Pre-Budget edition

 

As the Junta gears up for the final push toward an endless Summer PM Able Scomite has ordered Junta heavies to roast and salt pork and commission all available barrels.  With a mass girding of loins the Junta is confident of hanging on to at least five members of the Safe Seats Society in each state, providing the barrelled pork can be delivered to targets on time.  This is by no means guaranteed as the logistics of actually doing something that involves parting with money for anyone apart from immediate family and close buddies is alien to Junta apparatchiks. 

PM Scomite and Treasurer Friedalot are readying the troops to hand out $100 bills with how to vote cards with a promise that all franking credits will be tax deductible forever.  In Junta seats this has set off a frisson of expectation that all rorts are sacrosanct and guaranteed for generations.  Turns out the promise will be etched in hologrammatic stone that can disappear when the plug is pulled, so watch this space…

Having spent decades mining a rich seam of hatred toward ethnic minorities for electoral gold the Junta changed course overnight.  When one of their many acolytes decided to kill everyone he could in as short a time as possible in another country, the Junta leadership decided they would pretend to follow the tenets of their own faith for a change.   

 

 

 

The radical idea has not caught on in every pocket of the fiefdom; with a motley crew of media discontents and paid up members of the Safe Seats Society suggesting this humanist apostasy is dangerous and could lead to social harmony, putting them out of a job…watch this space.

 

 

Against a backdrop of massacre memorials One Country leader Perilous Pantson has had a red letter week, with close associates caught on candid camera promising gun toters across the planet that Australia will be the place to be if you want to shoot up a whole lot of folk unimpeded.  Package tours will be on offer for the willing and able, with special side trips to practice on wild boar and crocs in five star comfort.   

If you just like to watch the One Country Group will make special viewing opportunities available on-line at a cut price.  Spokesperson for One Country, Reeve ‘Smoking Aces’ Dicksup, promised participants the time of their lives, staying in drug lord mansions on the sea with twenty five rooms each, fully serviced machine guns available 24/7, and as much KFC as you can eat…

Breaking world news (summary):

The Grabber-in-Chief is back in the news with a complete exoneration of everything he has done to humans and animals since he was a nipper learning the art of a deal.  This ‘Holy Writ’ has been redacted so heavily only the paper watermark can be read by the public.

British PM Foxweather May has finally given in to pressure and will enter holy orders after the fourth vote on her “Peace in Our Time” plan fails.  She is philosophical about the prospect of a nun’s life and is relishing the chance to dance the plucked chook two-step away from prying eyes.

 

News alert - this blog is getting ready to cover the upcoming Federal Budget and General Election.  The stakes have never been so ready for BBQ and on and off bus arrangements are tighter than Barnabas Joust's grip on reality.  

This is the big one folks so hang on to your baseball caps, suck the sauce bottle and keep a watch out for low flying snags.

Other News Yesterday - Installment 2(iii) Special "Island hellholes" edition

 

 

In breaking news it seems sick people on everyone’s favourite island hellholes are getting no free kicks from PM Scomite or Minister for Gratuitous Cruelty Dutto.  In keeping with earlier forays into the cauldron of human rights Nauru has indicated it will block medical transfers for people at risk from Scomite-Dutto syndrome, which it turns out, can be fatal.   

Any fortunate enough to escape these island hellholes will be transferred to another island hellhole owned by the junta in a delightful twist of the Catch 22 conundrum designed by the ‘covfefe’ of asylum seeker torturers, Nick Pizzantine.  Plaudits are flowing from international human rights and law agencies in response to the brilliant plan cooked up last night over a hot hook up between culpable parties.  It augurs well for nominations to the annual awards for unadulterated bastardry to people caught up in shitty situations escaping by boat.  Scomite, Dutto and Pizzantine are considered shoe-ins for the tag team prize.

Meanwhile Pizzantine has been explaining to Senators how a fly by night outfit based on Kangaroo Island won a $422m contract to facilitate torture on one of the island hellholes.  It seems they’ve never run anything much up until now beyond dodgy chook raffles but apparently have taken to the torture game with great gusto.   

Dutto has denied ever having heard of the Palladium Pistols and has suggested it was all the idea of Pizzantine, who in turn has suggested the ‘special measures’ under which the Pistols got the gig were a construct of the junta.  Watch this space….

PM Scomite, bursting with excitement at news of events in the hellholes, has decided to embellish the lily with the launch of ‘Married at First Sight’ to the Pacific Islands.  In a move to counter China’s rapid excursions into the collective consciousness of new members of the ‘belts and roads’ society Australian reality TV is the obvious platform.   

MKR and the Block are part of a package deal to ensure Australians are forever seen as juvenile wannabes with short attention spans and a limited grasp of the institution of marriage.  The Junta has high hopes for the strategy as it largely reflects the ideals of its members.

 

Other News Yesterday - Installment 2(ii) Special "Votes for boats" edition

 

 

PM Scomite is excited at news his Christmas Island gulag reopening strategy has been greeted in people smuggling circles with unabashed glee.   

The detention centre led recovery is being heralded in all quarters as a masterful stroke of political genius, alongside flying on a bus trip, featuring lumps of coal as the country descends into climate chaos, and, best of all, blaming the climate on the weather.   

All in all it has been a stellar conglomeration of ‘events’, ‘strategies’ and startling ‘declarations’ that have marked Scomite’s unique leadership of the junta, as he charts a course through unnavigable flood plains and fire prone wilderness over what just about everyone agrees will be a dismal cliff of electoral misfortune.   

As the country limps out of fire ravaged and flood pillaged landscapes, the image of a leader brandishing a lump of coal and raving about ‘on water’ matters is the electoral equivalent of announcing feral pigs are the solution to bank misbehaviour.   Counsellors are on standby for political staffers trying to make the best of a grim outlook….

As the Parliament limps toward the end of its first week of actually doing what the taxpayers pay it to do the augurs for junta success are decidedly jaundiced.  It can’t win a vote, it can’t close the gap, it can’t find its toothbrush and economic girly persons are running amok in both houses.   

Reports of rampant sexual flagrancy and unwanted attentions to public servants, staffers and anyone misfortunate enough to come within cooee of certain members after they’ve had a few continue to ‘fall’ into the hands of waiting raptors, who love a good tale of sexual flagrancy on the part of our elected representatives.  Even Perilous Pantson has been accused of untoward groping, which has startled the chooks and sent several crows flying backwards…

The disturbing sight of the PM flailing his arms furiously and threatening all kinds of dire consequences to those responsible for the imagined flotillas of boats setting sail for Christmas Island has the whole nation on edge.   

Shrill outcries of ‘on water matters’ and ‘armadas of boat people’ litter Scomite’s working day, which has some observers pondering the mental stability of the junta leader.  References to Dr Strangelove and ‘don’t mention the vote’ abound as staffers do their best to quieten their boss with gentle shopping centre muzak and little jingles about where the bloody hell are you and whether you’re 100% pure.  Watch this space…

Other News Yesterday - Installment 2(i) Special New Year edition

 

 

As the New Year dawns the polls remain dire for the ruling junta, benighted souls on offshore gulags swelter and occasionally die, stars continue their perambulation across Southern skies, fish die in their millions in stunted rivers, fires threaten anywhere it’s not raining, and floods threaten everywhere it is.  In the magical land of OZ all is not well it seems but we’re told everything will be fixed by more coal, less tax, more cyber security, less Chinese billionaires, more sick people in offshore gulags, less scrutiny of new security laws, more fear, less hope…and, what was the question again??

PM Scomite and Minister for Gratuitous Cruelty Dutto have taken it upon themselves to warn all burghers that a wave of criminals, terrorists and mad miscreants are on their way to our shores the minute a proposed law to have doctors approve medical transfers from offshore gulags is passed.  The new Emir of East Sydney’s proposed law is creating such waves we are warned that life as we know it will be at risk the moment decent dealings with people escaping shitty situations on boats starts. 

The populace waits with bated breath as the countdown to the ruling junta losing a vote on the floor of Parliament beckons.  Most of the citizenry have opted for a good lie down and await heralds alerting them that it’s their turn to vote.

Minister for Foreign Affairs with Guns Curly Pine has been throwing himself about like a drunken sailor with the clap in a last ditch attempt to scare the polyps off anyone thinking of decent dealings with boat people.  “We will be looking at an apocalyptic situation”, shrilled Pine, “as bands of sick people descend on our hospitals and clinics for life saving treatment…the horror, the horror”.

Meanwhile Bill Longhop has been taking a leisurely stroll around country neighbourhoods as part of his ‘greet the people’ bus tour of anywhere PM Scomite confused with his Claytons tour last year.  The impact of the Scomite visit has been such that CWA and church halls across the land have had to seek loans to cover the out-of-pocket expenses of his no-shows and counselling services for poor souls where he did show up.   

The unscripted prayer healings were too much for some, alarmed by so much brown snake oil being thrown about with such abandonment.  Longhop has agreed to assist with the Scomite fall out and has industrial cleaners on standby for affected communities.

Breaking World News (summary):

 

The Grabber-in-Chief continues his daily round of wall, fence, barricade spruiking, threatening to turn off the water and sewerage services to Congress if he can’t get satisfaction.   

The workers who turn things off and on haven’t been paid but the Grabber is confident the military will step in it if necessary.

British PM Foxweather May is winging it to Ireland to explain why the ‘Troubles’ may have to reopen as she can’t get anyone on the mainland to do her bidding on anything much.  “It’s for the British people you see”, chimed May, “that Tories have always had to take the hard decisions…we will never surrender”.

PNG has gratefully welcomed news that Australia will lengthen the Manus naval jetty to enable a new patrol boat to pull alongside.  Beijing military strategists have been thrown into such a panic they’re considering counter measures such as the launch of a weather balloon.  The Pacific ‘step up’ with a patrol boat or two is such a departure from the last 20 years of considered inactivity it is reported China has had to revise its strategic plan.