Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(iv) Special APEC edition

 

 

In the wash-up after APEC the good folk of the People’s Republic of PNG are counting their blessings.  It seems they have a couple of new roads to nowhere and 40 Maseratis to drive on them, a lovely new building which nobody wants or needs, soft loans which will outlast uranium, a naval base led recovery on Manus, a promise of power for all sometime in the next millennium and the break out of a new Cold War in the Pacific. 

Rumours China had already bought our nearest northern neighbour had been vehemently denied by PM Teeter O’Peal.  “We are selling stuff to China like everyone else”, O’Peal told a raptor, “it doesn’t mean we have become paid up members of the belts and roads club but anything not bolted down is for sale”.  When extras from a Hong Kong gangster movie baled up the PNG Foreign Minister for a while because they didn’t like the colour of his tie, it seemed to belie O’Peal’s denial but normal transmission was resumed with the intervention of ‘security’.

The warm and fuzzy feeling everyone gets from APEC leaders making fools of themselves at the end of proceedings didn’t seem to work this year.  Perhaps the appearance of armed men at every turn of China’s leader had an effect.  

PM Scomite was reassured by the presence of a heavily armed warship nearby, but raptors detected a certain frisson at every event.  “We haven’t got the rent”, explained a China spokesperson, “so we will be back with some heavy lifters”.  Raptors weren’t able to report on many meetings as extras from a Hong Kong gangster movie expelled them at every opportunity.  “This is our country now”, a spokesperson from China media explained, “we make the news, we report the news, we own the news”.

In breaking news the People’s Republic of Tonga has announced full membership of the China belts and roads club.  To avoid being towed to the South China Sea and set up as a fully staffed holiday resort for PLA celebrities, the good folk of Tonga have ceded all sovereignty and will take up knitting woollen caps for stranded Uyghurs and Tibetans undergoing re-education programmes involving a little red book, and lots of belts and roads to undisclosed destinations.  

Some Tongans concerned about this strategy were told by a spokesperson there was nothing to see except a lot of jolly yak and goat herders at alt agricultural shows, a few festivals to celebrate clearing unnecessary clutter and some training sessions in calisthenics while singing the national anthem.  “Those who are deceived by Buddhist and Muslim tomfoolery … shall be assisted through resettlement and education”.  The Christian population of Tonga are greatly comforted….

Meanwhile China’s roads and belts to nowhere are gathering pace…sea bridges and bridges of the sea are springing up everywhere, like mushrooms out of the soup.  “We are bringing an understanding of the President’s new way to all and sundry across bridges born out of a liberation day”.   

This is a great comfort to Pacific leaders who plan to sign up for the programme.  PM Scomite has countered with his own ‘belt and road’ style Pacific initiative in partnership with Japan, Canada and USA. “We are going to build bridges between the Pacific Islands and Australia”, Scomite explained, “Using Australian steel, workers and banks in consort with anyone but China." 

We’re a tad concerned about undersea footings, but where there’s a tax holiday there’s a way”.  The initiative will be known as ‘Alt Debt and Deficit Lite’.  “China’s roads may be straighter than ours”, tweeted Scomite, “but we know where all the tracks are going and where the money’s laundered”.

Under the Bus - Richard Knibbler reporting

Ladies and gentleman, for your entertainment we bring you the inaugural interview from Richard Knibbler, intrepid reporter for THE OTHER NEWS YESTERDAY in the first of a new series breaking open the surface crust to peer under and to see what is really there....

Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(iv) b

 

PM Scomite’s rerun of ‘carry on up the Khyber’ on a bus has been a huge hit with punters.  Polls for the junta are languishing in something akin to Dante's fifth circle of hell, but heading for the seventh at the first opportunity punters get to express love for their leader.   

Not unlike Gunga Din, he’s been on a roll, blaming a mad act of violence on the Islamic faith, cutting funding for food banks in half because who needs food when you’ve got happy clapping, and exporting Bachelor Australia and Housewives of Melbourne to the Pacific islanders to enrich their culture.  Raptors are struggling to keep up with the pace set by Scomite who appears determined to outfox Bill whatever the cost…watch this space.

The PM has sent the military might of the ADF to Port Moresby to ensure China does not get the jump on us in the ‘whose your bestie’ stakes in guarding APEC.  The combination of bullet proof Maseratis and Special Forces minders is a winning combination and guarantees further decades of soft loan dependency for the PNG people.  “China’s roads may be straighter than ours”, tweeted Scomite, “but we know where all the tracks are going and where the money is laundered”.

In the wake of the junta’s flogging in East Sydney the strategists behind the loss have continued to deny climate exists, to claim kiddies on everyone’s favourite island hellhole have never had it so good, and that welfare recipients must work harder for food stamps.  In a stirring sermon for the crestfallen junta faithful, Scomite bashed the air with “…great days are coming…we believe in a fair go for those who have a go…you don’t rise people up by bringing others down…stand up for what we believe until the bell rings and the bell hasn’t rung…we believe it is every Australian’s duty to make a contribution and not take a contribution…and get up early in the morning”.   

The gathered were so smitten by this ‘sermon at the fount’, rumblings of ‘Lincolnesque’ and ‘Kennedyesque’ were heard everywhere, whilst a few ragged raptors mumbled they’d never heard anything quite so vacuous…

Breaking world news (summary):

In breaking news Grabber-in-chief decided not to brave the elements in France to celebrate America’s war dead, because of concerns about his coiffure. “I like a good war celebration along with the best of them”, tweeted the Grabber, “but no one knows what happens when the trained mongoose becomes unglued”.

 

In further celebrations of everything warlike and nationalistic the Grabber showed up the next day looking sombre.  But when his bestie - Russian Supremo Vlad Wolfbrat - showed up the Grabber was as happy as his younger self in a Moscow brothel.

Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(iv) a

 

 

 

PM Scomite got back on the trolley today to revise his national prayer tour.  Skolling several schooners at each stop, kissing footys and throwing babies everywhere, wearing different baseball caps in honour of Australian fare, the PM looks somewhat bewildered and there’s a hint of desperation in the air.  

It reminds raptors of a dingo running from a fire in despair.  Kill Bill signs are expected any moment now but the augurs speak of trouble in the shires and the polls have never looked more dire.

“We brought the kids from everyone’s favourite island hellhole”, cried Scomite, “and we did it quietly in the dead of night…now people are saying we had no choice,  the court told us, but the thing is it’s Bill’s fault and he did it out of spite”.  “We reduced everyone’s welfare and stopped several boats…these are magnificent achievements that only seem to stop votes”.  

 “The next election will be held sometime…if I can find my way home after all this heavy drinking, late night Skypes and endless drives on the Scomite Express…it’s hard being the prophet and everyone’s mate…the endless prayer meetings in CWA halls where it used to be safe to be a dodgy salesman with a special oil and a good rate”. 

Turns out young junta members were plotting a coup…they’ve been practicing bare fisted, wrestling pigs in mud with a lot of nude drinking late at night.  

  

The Horst Wessel anthem sung backwards has echoed cross the paddocks, while these jolly young things on their gap year between rural youth league and full tilt at the junta, were plotting and scheming to put things right, returning the country to people who know its OK to be WHITE (light pink).

 Break world news (summary):

The Grabber-in-Chief has mobilized the military to head south, manning the borders and mining the rivers.  “These unholy criminals will be stopped at all costs”, tweeted the Grabber, “Republicans must be re-elected to save the country from invasion, taxes and impeachment”.

  

The Grabber has renewed attacks on the enemies of the people, raptors reporting the news and daring to suggest he lies for a living and is not everyone’s friend.  His ex-colleagues are singing like canaries in a poisoned mine and it appears a large balloon going up is only a matter of time.

Safety retreats for the miss-informed in China are now so large they can be seen from space. 

“They are all happy campers studying the thoughts of the President”, explained a spokesperson, “occasionally we lose a few trying to pray to a god who doesn’t hear them or care what they say…but we always show them the way”.

Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(iii) j

 

In the wash up after the Emir of East Sydney stakes ex-PM Trumble has been blamed for the junta’s dismal day, when the burghers went against a generational urge to ignore everything except their lifestyle to vote for a lemonist thespian with countervailing urges.  In the largest defeat since the Crusaders at the Horns of Hattin, junta stalwarts are girding their lips and licking their loins in preparation for the next round which promises all the excitement and colour of the Battle of the Bulge.  Burghers everywhere are waiting in shadows…

True to form PM Scomite has consigned all those languishing on everyone’s favourite island hellholes to a lifetime sentence of barbed wire, angry natives, chronic poor health and regimes addicted to graft.  Without trial, without favour, without representation of any kind these people are guilty of trespass on the paddocks of fear and loathing left behind from a halcyon time of a light pink Australia and its light pink kind.   

An apology to kiddies abused where they sleep has not touched the souls of those who guard this castle keep.  “These people shall not enter here because this is for sheep…which we butcher and torture for meat…there is no more space for people who aren’t sure its OK to be light pink”.

Breaking world news (summary):

Grabber-in-Chief has laughed at the pathetic attempt at a cover-up of a targeted spit roasting by the House of Saud. “These sand jockeys aren’t used to covering up”, tweeted the Grabber, “people in this country still think the Kennedy killing was an act of God.”

 

The Grabber has the military on high alert to take down a huge column of non-light pink desperates making their way steadily north toward occupied Mexico.  “These people are bandits and thugs”, tweeted the Grabber, “and our boys know what to do…when they cross the Rio Grande we’ll show them a thing or two”.

The Grabber has welcomed news of attacks on press agencies.  “It’s good to see the citizenry taking me at my word and targeting peddlers of fake news…the sand jockeys just might have something and we can sell them more loot”.

China’s roads and belts to nowhere are gathering pace…sea bridges and bridges of the sea are springing up everywhere, like mushrooms out of the soup.  “We are bringing an understanding of the President’s new way to all and sundry across bridges born out of a liberation day”.