Other News Yesterday - Installment 5(ii) Pre Apocalyptic Pandemic Chronicles

 

 

After an interminable gap of hunkering, bunkering and shambollocking the pandemic chronicles have been forced into reprisal.  As the intense and repetitively wearying press conferences roll on relentlessly it is vital to bear witness to the varying styles of facemask adorning the leadership.    'Sad' Dan Mandues, First Person of Victoria, is leading the pack with a discretely stylish black number that can double as a sling shot on provocation.  Coming in a shabby last is Minister for Catastrophes, Ernst Funt, who almost strangled and thence blinded himself in a daring full face number that the makers have since deleted and recalled.  

 

 

 

As news readers lash listeners with mounting death counts and mind numbing infection charts we await the latest breathless offering from some wind swept raptor describing the latest political barney on shopping hours, whose border is closed, when it will open, to whom will it open and for how long…and who is responsible for this almighty SHIT STORM???

 

 

 

Today, with great alacrity,  the First Person of Queensland, Anastasia Belachuck, entertained us with ‘facts’ concerning the prospect of plague death, systemic psychosis under curfew and the mounting dangers of border crossings without a birth certificate.  It was a truly stirring rendition of Que Sera, with several hangers on providing rambunctious support with the chorus line:

 

 “So you gotta be strong,

live by the words of the song
together is where we belong
never stop dreaming
keep holdin' on…”

 

….hmmm

 

 

 

 

Meanwhile, in breaking news…somewhere in an undisclosed place… known only to a few close junta insiders…PM Scomite announced to the world 25 million vaccinations have been put on hire purchase watch for Australians in the unlikely event the guinea pigs survive and the patent owners are not bought out by the Grabber-in-Chief in a desperate bid to avoid death by election. Watch this space….

 

 

 

In an alarming display of openness and failure to privatize, the First Person of NSW, Doris Chickybyline, has admitted comprehensive responsibility for all deaths associated with the Ruby Tuesday ghost ship.  Departing from her usual line on upcoming auctions of public assets, Chickybyline apologized for failings by her officials and promised a future where shareholders would always get preferential treatment and cost-benefit analyses would underpin all cruise disembarking. 

 

 

 The Covid SafeApp is in the news as the most startlingly useless software ever developed.  That said, it has proved useful in locating deep fried chook outlets and as a dark side dating app.  In respect of Covid it has been shown to alert owners they have a 1 in 4 chance of having the disease.  Turns out if you use an Apple device or live in NSW you would have more luck with water divining sticks.

 

 

Other News Yesterday - Installment 5(i) Pre Apocalyptic Pandemic Chronicles

 

 

 

As the world bunkers down for the next Great Depression brought on by misuse of wild critters, Alterego is commencing a new series to chronicle events, misdeeds, missteps and the “I make no apology” moments of leaders, health experts and local hoarders in their collective response to the ‘Black Plague’ of our times.

In breaking news Prime Minister Scomite and Treasurer Friedalot, appearing together in their new confidence building kit,  have announced a toilet paper led recovery is imminent, with toilet paper bonds to be sold to anyone silly enough to buy them and re-engineered car factories to churn out as much of the refined product as possible.  New toilet paper plantations are being seeded from the air and new toilet paper companies will be launched on the stock exchange as soon as Junta life members and their close relatives can muster enough shelf companies to manage the flow.

As various states and territories contemplate border restrictions, all those entering after midnight will be in lockdown in some space, under some moving circumstance going forward, for which authorities make no apology from the get-go, and from which they will be expected to shut the fuck up, do what they’re told and come to Jesus.

Meanwhile all schools, universities and other gatherings of people trying to learn stuff will be kept open as active laboratories for testing virus endurance, herd immunity, disease transference rates and other social Darwinist techniques for ‘sorting’ who will make up the next ruling class and who will be their slaves.  

Casual workers and their families are expected to just die quickly, preferably within two weeks, and try to avoid making a fuss, whilst their employers will be given tax relief, endless access to credit and paid holidays on the only atoll with no virus discernible.  Life members of the Safe Seats Society will run all the businesses set to benefit from these measures.

In further breaking news, it has been announced by the Grabber-in-Chief that malarial drugs will be administered to Covid 19 sufferers in the hope that the various viruses will strike up cordial relationships, imitate each other and agree to be terminated by existing pharmaceuticals.  Virologists around the planet are rushing to confirm the President’s pronouncement that “people who have not died before are now dying” and that all research toward a new vaccine is a waste of someone’s money.

Watch this space…..

Other News Yesterday - Installment 4(i) Post Apocalyptic Election Issues

 

 

After months of soul-searching, gonad wrangling, and eye watering tedium in the wash-up to the most under whelming universal franchise exercise in living memory, Alterego is back with the latest takes on President Scomite and the new and better junta, complete with China agency accoutrements, more denial of climate existence and grand plans for recession.

 

 

 

As part of a welfare led recovery Scomite and crew are planning to distill illegal drugs from the urine of Newstart recipients and sell it on the black market.   On-selling the 'welfare' contraband presents a range of potential legal pitfalls, logistical and accounting challenges, but Treasurer Friedalot and Minister Muster Cormorant tell anyone who will listen that they "have got this".

 

Enthusiasm for a polly cop unit has waned in the wash-up as Ministers for Abject Trough Diving are worried folk might get the wrong idea about naked disregard for laws in the rush to please junta supporters, immediate relatives and other associate members of the Safe Seats Society in the issuing of licenses and public grants. 

 

 

PM Scomite is again travelling the land to hold prayer meetings to break the drought.  Having previously exhausted supplies of goats to quell the volcano gods, Scomite’s acolytes have turned to the heavens for hope and a sign they are still the chosen ones.  The prayer meetings are subsidized by tax payers of course, including certified cloud seeder, Pentecostal rapper, 8 piece band, hymn books and prayer leader per diem plus meal and hardship allowances.

 

 Minister for Changing the Climate has announced that burghers should not expect any action on the climate maelstrom engulfing the planet as there is some doubt about the science, and thoughts and prayers should suffice.  He is encouraging burghers in safe seats to sink carbon by burying cattle en masse and planting palm oil trees on clear felled land as remedial measures.

Other News Yesterday - Installment 3(i) Special Hustings edition

 

As the election bash up reaches fever pitch burghers have been sighted running for the exits and voting early.  PM Scomite rolls from one BBQ to the next, kicking babies and petting balls at every opportunity.  Raptors report suffering heartburn watching the spectacle of a leader spinning furiously in the vain hope that whatever vipers are pursuing him won’t get their fangs in.   

As Junta heavyweights contact Canberra property vendors and a paper shredders job lot makes its way to Junta offices, the burghers wait impatiently for the furore to desist; circus masks stowed, touring buses returned to depot, posters burned and chopping blocks ready.

The intensity of community feeling generated by a series of stellar candidates forced to ritually disembowel in public has been an attractive supplement to the daily round of hate speech and targeted abuse.  Raptors have had to interrupt there constant screaming at disingenuous answers from our nation’s competing dissemblers to gasp at the naked display of entrails revealed by a series of One Country and Junta wannabees.  

The work of Reeve ‘Smoking Aces’ Dicksup in snipping off the lower intestine as be bowed out in abject disgrace was a thing to behold and one for the kiddies.

 

Notorious gannet and electoral recidivist Clive of Toad Castle has spent a fortune telling the punters that only his particular brand of cane toad oil will cure self-inflicted dropsy, and that his elevation to power will guarantee water shedding and coal loading forever.  The punters are enlivened by the prospect of returning Clive to a large sump on the edge of an old coal pit so he can see out his days in perfect harmony with his surrounds.

In a reprise of old news, and as the country waits for collective relief and the sound of a large gun ending the hustings stakes, human rights stalwart Senator Taser Gunning started his own party.  Everyone was invited along to sing the Horst Wessel song whilst practicing dismantling and assembling automatic rifles blindfolded.  The party was set to go for a week by which time authorities acted to close the whole show down on national security grounds.

 

 

 

Other News Yesterday - Installment 2(vi) Special Budget-in- Reply edition

 

After skipping through the day whistling the 1812 Overture PM ‘Aspiratus’ Bill Longhop rose in the House last night to deliver his epistle to all, accompanied by string and vocal ensemble.  He painted a picture of a land awash with fairness, decency and trees, a land of packed lunches for all, free of ball tampering and cancer.   

It was a stirring display of wanton hope and future proofing against wind chill, geared negativity and credit imputation by those given the wink on when to bet on the dodgy horse race.  Caps on good cheer will be removed and the cheer redistributed more evenly, and those usually confined to the outermost circles of benefit will receive a hamper this year.

The Junta benches glowered in response, suggesting cancer must be managed as a public benefit and geared negativity remains the key to maintenance of the rich and ‘aspirational’.   Some cried out ‘the end of days’ and some fled the chamber to get their property brokers on the line.  It was a pitiful spectacle of loss and self-pity.  Members of the Safe Seats Society stayed in their seats, looking stony faced, and wondering why they bothered roasting and salting their pigs.

  

One of Longhop’s most telling forays into soaring hope was an acknowledgement that climate exists and that the kiddies expect something done about the endless summer.  It was stirring stuff to hear ‘Aspiratus’ Bill paint a picture of flowing streams, whirring windmills and battery storage made in Australia.  As the burghers sharpen their bats and flex their ropes in readiness for polling day it is apparent that salted lemming will be on the menu in the House dining room for several years to come.

 

As the country waits for collective relief and the sound of a large gun starting the husting stakes, news broke of human rights stalwart Senator Taser Gunning starting  his own party.  Everyone is invited along to sing the Horst Wessel song whilst practicing dismantling and assembling automatic rifles blindfolded.  The party is set to go for a week by which time authorities are expected to act and close the whole show down on national security grounds.

Other News Yesterday - Installment 2(v) Special Budget Day edition

 

The stakes are being tenderized as the finishing touches are made to Treasurer Friedalot’s pork accounts.  Entrapped raptors are pondering five hours listening to PM Scomite and Friedalot explain how $10 extra a week for poor people is the equivalent to a Lotto win and $75 relief per annum for power is just compensation for theft of $500pa for power company profits.   

It’s a special day in the lock-up where raptors rub shoulders with Junta born-to-rulers and strange officials with the worried look of lost extras on a Star Trek movie.    

By the time the final graph goes up explaining how a surplus to requirement was attained the gathered throng will feel like they’ve lost time in a Twilight Zone which they can never get back.  Autographed drink mats will be handed out at the end of proceedings as a memento to witnessing another ‘day of lost days’ and a reminder not to ‘fuck up the table’.

Budget spending on belts and roads is expected to reach new heights this year, with the latest projection for fast train development to be toward the end of the century, by which time climate change will have seen off any need for trains.  

It’s a wonderful scenario, guaranteed to excite the burghers in their boroughs, especially those benighted souls living in personal fiefdoms of members of the Safe Seats Society.  Their chances of seeing any train, let alone a fast one, are dwindling each year as the votes are counted yet again in favour of the Junta member and his relatives, living and dead.

Action on the climate maelstrom engulfing the planet is not expected this time round, save for a possible subsidy for cheap car washing for commercial fleets and some encouragement to burghers in safe seats to sink carbon.  The methods employed range from burying cattle en masse to planting palm oil trees on clear felled land, brilliant remedial strategies brought to you courtesy of Palm Oil enterprises and Ozmandia Coal. 

The business lobby has been out and about encouraging additional tax relief for anyone earning more the $1m a year, no penalty rates and no increase to the minimum wage as this would lead to the collapse of lifestyles of the rich and famous and an unseemly rush on claiming franking credits.  It is feared the ATO would have no recourse but to sub-contract the whole exercise out to grocery chains like Woolyperks and Stoles to develop a self-serve methodology and report annually.