Other News Yesterday - Installment 2(i) Special New Year edition

 

 

As the New Year dawns the polls remain dire for the ruling junta, benighted souls on offshore gulags swelter and occasionally die, stars continue their perambulation across Southern skies, fish die in their millions in stunted rivers, fires threaten anywhere it’s not raining, and floods threaten everywhere it is.  In the magical land of OZ all is not well it seems but we’re told everything will be fixed by more coal, less tax, more cyber security, less Chinese billionaires, more sick people in offshore gulags, less scrutiny of new security laws, more fear, less hope…and, what was the question again??

PM Scomite and Minister for Gratuitous Cruelty Dutto have taken it upon themselves to warn all burghers that a wave of criminals, terrorists and mad miscreants are on their way to our shores the minute a proposed law to have doctors approve medical transfers from offshore gulags is passed.  The new Emir of East Sydney’s proposed law is creating such waves we are warned that life as we know it will be at risk the moment decent dealings with people escaping shitty situations on boats starts. 

The populace waits with bated breath as the countdown to the ruling junta losing a vote on the floor of Parliament beckons.  Most of the citizenry have opted for a good lie down and await heralds alerting them that it’s their turn to vote.

Minister for Foreign Affairs with Guns Curly Pine has been throwing himself about like a drunken sailor with the clap in a last ditch attempt to scare the polyps off anyone thinking of decent dealings with boat people.  “We will be looking at an apocalyptic situation”, shrilled Pine, “as bands of sick people descend on our hospitals and clinics for life saving treatment…the horror, the horror”.

Meanwhile Bill Longhop has been taking a leisurely stroll around country neighbourhoods as part of his ‘greet the people’ bus tour of anywhere PM Scomite confused with his Claytons tour last year.  The impact of the Scomite visit has been such that CWA and church halls across the land have had to seek loans to cover the out-of-pocket expenses of his no-shows and counselling services for poor souls where he did show up.   

The unscripted prayer healings were too much for some, alarmed by so much brown snake oil being thrown about with such abandonment.  Longhop has agreed to assist with the Scomite fall out and has industrial cleaners on standby for affected communities.

Breaking World News (summary):

 

The Grabber-in-Chief continues his daily round of wall, fence, barricade spruiking, threatening to turn off the water and sewerage services to Congress if he can’t get satisfaction.   

The workers who turn things off and on haven’t been paid but the Grabber is confident the military will step in it if necessary.

British PM Foxweather May is winging it to Ireland to explain why the ‘Troubles’ may have to reopen as she can’t get anyone on the mainland to do her bidding on anything much.  “It’s for the British people you see”, chimed May, “that Tories have always had to take the hard decisions…we will never surrender”.

PNG has gratefully welcomed news that Australia will lengthen the Manus naval jetty to enable a new patrol boat to pull alongside.  Beijing military strategists have been thrown into such a panic they’re considering counter measures such as the launch of a weather balloon.  The Pacific ‘step up’ with a patrol boat or two is such a departure from the last 20 years of considered inactivity it is reported China has had to revise its strategic plan.