Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(iii) i

 

 

The quest for a new Emir of East Sydney has turned rowdy with accusations of bestiality and extra-marital relations with Bibi flying about.  The junta candidate Rave Karma has denied any involvement with rogue roasters, dodgy emails or large balloons featuring the other candidates in lewd acts with sheep.  As Karma’s poll numbers threaten to become subliminal desperate acts of survival can be expected…

 

Deputy PM Mick McNotim is in fierce denial that his predecessor Barnabbas Joust is making a come back.  Joust told raptors that his occasional forays into live performance and late night break dancing nude on the Parliamentary forecourt are not attention seeking but him just letting off steam after another lively Question Time on the backbench.   

Attention deficiency syndrome is suspected and meds have been prescribed, but insiders report Joust has been seen on a beer drip, sharpening large knives in the early hours…crows are on full alert.

Notable scourge of economic girlie men, Senator Muster Cormorant, has been showering himself in glory this week.  Having mustered the troops in a vote to be light pink, he was forced to retreat from the skirmish, rally his confused warriors and thrust forward again, this time denying any knowledge of light pinkedness with a fierce cry of “we shall not be moved from the junta benches anytime soon”.  Staffers have increased his meds and are insisting he rest….

Breaking World News (summary):

 

Grabber-in-Chief has begun yet another twitter war with Randy Manuals over the size and shape of his accoutrements and whether he came before he left and was any conquering done.  White House raptors are enthralled by the erudite and witty analysis of past events and mostly require therapy…

In another stoush the Grabber has suggested the DNA test taken by Senator Florren to establish her Cherokee credentials is a scam and a lie.  The founder of the Obama ‘birther’ movement is scathing in attacks on people he doesn’t like, suggesting he may share DNA heritage with a previous leader who liked American Westerns, Uncle Jo. 

Sticking with the Grabber, he’s now likened reports of a Saudi journalist failing the roasting spit test to recent reports of Judge Savanah’s proclivity for rapacious activities.  Raptors are scratching their heads, drinking more and sleeping less…

Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(iii) h

 

 

Across Australia audible sighs of relief have been heard at the pronouncement, ‘It’s ok to be light pink’! Parties have broken out spontaneously as people learned the motion moved by Perilous Pantson, supported by a plucky crew of junta has-beens, failed by three votes in the Senate. It was a stand out moment in the full spectrum of low lights that have marked the Parliamentary year.  Veteran raptors can’t remember when the quality of debate in the upper chamber has reached such depths as to make the low water mark in the loos look positively brimming.

The KKK and various light pink supremacist groups have offered their unmitigated congratulations to Pantson and her stalwarts in the ruling junta. “Wish our Senate guys would grow some kahunas”, tweeted the KKK honcho, “it must be great to live in a country unashamed of its light pink heritage…those communists that voted against this should be round up and deported”.

Meanwhile PM Scomite has thrown his considerable weight behind relocating Australia’s embassy in Israel to Jerusalem.  This fantastic news is being celebrated in ISIS camps around the planet and will be featured in recruitment drives to attract young angry sociopaths to the cause.   

Other voices are saying “Why the bloody hell did you?” and “Can we have a bloody election?”, but naysayers have no impact on the PM who takes his messaging straight from the Grabber-in-Chief’s twitter account. Indonesia has indicated the latest trade deal is looking as bleak as the junta’s future…

Breaking World News (summary):

The House of Saud has acknowledged that a journalist being turned slowly on a roasting spit in Riyadh was turned once too often.  Authorities are insisting it was a case of mistaken identity as said journalist was mistaken for a goat that wandered in off the street in Istanbul.

The Grabber has shared his concerns over the unfortunate murder of a US citizen by what appears to be rogue roasters.  “We try to get targeted roasts right in our part of the world”, tweeted the Grabber, ‘but I can understand how you can get it wrong when everyone’s wearing a sheet”.

Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(iii) g

 

PM Scomite has thrown off any pretence after his recent national prayer tour that he’s actually a nice guy.  Reverting to type he’s called for poor people to be indentured to farmers for life, benighted souls on everyone’s favourite hell holes to be left there interminably without medical assistance or hope, and gay teachers to be consigned to a living hell, equivalent to being strapped to a loudspeaker at a Hillsong event.  

As the East Sydney quest for a new Emir approaches its denouement all the signs are pointing south for the junta, but several trough divers close to the PM are suggesting a move north.

In exciting news the country rump of the junta has revealed its youth wing has been out partying with bare knuckle fights, nude wrestling warthogs and downing pints whilst singing the Horst Wessel song backwards.  It’s been a revelation to many that young rural folk are demonstrating such a learned grasp of twentieth century political history, and a determination to put things right on several fronts including the national salute, why Eichmann was tried for managing camps that didn’t exist and what to do about all those pesky Jews.  

Good ole boys from the back blocks have always had a hankering for a return to the days of the ‘League’ and the fine tactic of ‘entryism’ to get rid of the burden of voting, multiple parties and democracy itself. Watch this space…

Breaking World News (summary):

In breaking news Grabber-in-Chief says no oil well will be left untapped in the search for the missing Saudi journalist thought to be turning slowly on a roasting spit in Riyadh.  The search is relentless as Saudi officials can no longer expect courtesy mints on their pillow in Grabber hotels.

In other news Prince Waldemoat and his new missus are pregnant, providing the British public with another free loader for life.  The Australian public are past excitement into a whole new realm of virtual Royals watching 24/7.  The sponsors are ecstatic…

China is putting its footballers through their paces at special ops training camps; in case something untoward breaks out while they're playing offshore.  “It’s to enhance their commitment to world peace”, explained a spokesperson, “in case of a red card they’ll know what to do”.