Other News Yesterday - Installment 2(i) Special New Year edition
As the New Year dawns the polls
remain dire for the ruling junta, benighted souls on offshore gulags swelter
and occasionally die, stars continue their perambulation across Southern skies,
fish die in their millions in stunted rivers, fires threaten anywhere it’s not
raining, and floods threaten everywhere it is.
In the magical land of OZ all is not well it seems but we’re told
everything will be fixed by more coal, less tax, more cyber security, less
Chinese billionaires, more sick people in offshore gulags, less scrutiny of new
security laws, more fear, less hope…and, what was the question again??
PM Scomite and Minister for Gratuitous
Cruelty Dutto have taken it upon themselves to warn all burghers that a wave of
criminals, terrorists and mad miscreants are on their way to our shores the
minute a proposed law to have doctors approve medical transfers from offshore
gulags is passed. The new Emir of East
Sydney’s proposed law is creating such waves we are warned that life as we know
it will be at risk the moment decent dealings with people escaping shitty
situations on boats starts.
The populace waits with bated breath as the
countdown to the ruling junta losing a vote on the floor of Parliament beckons. Most of the citizenry have opted for a good
lie down and await heralds alerting them that it’s their turn to vote.
Minister for Foreign Affairs with
Guns Curly Pine has been throwing himself about like a drunken sailor with the
clap in a last ditch attempt to scare the polyps off anyone thinking of decent
dealings with boat people. “We will be
looking at an apocalyptic situation”, shrilled Pine, “as bands of sick people descend
on our hospitals and clinics for life saving treatment…the horror, the horror”.
Meanwhile Bill Longhop has been
taking a leisurely stroll around country neighbourhoods as part of his ‘greet
the people’ bus tour of anywhere PM Scomite confused with his Claytons tour
last year. The impact of the Scomite visit
has been such that CWA and church halls across the land have had to seek loans
to cover the out-of-pocket expenses of his no-shows and counselling services
for poor souls where he did show up.
The
unscripted prayer healings were too much for some, alarmed by so much brown snake oil
being thrown about with such abandonment. Longhop has agreed to assist with the Scomite
fall out and has industrial cleaners on standby for affected communities.
Breaking World News (summary):
The Grabber-in-Chief continues his
daily round of wall, fence, barricade spruiking, threatening to turn off the
water and sewerage services to Congress if he can’t get satisfaction.
The workers who turn things off and on haven’t
been paid but the Grabber is confident the military will step in it if
necessary.
British PM Foxweather May is winging
it to Ireland
to explain why the ‘Troubles’ may have to reopen as she can’t get anyone on the
mainland to do her bidding on anything much.
“It’s for the British people you see”, chimed May, “that Tories have
always had to take the hard decisions…we will never surrender”.
PNG has gratefully welcomed news that
Australia
will lengthen the Manus naval jetty to enable a new patrol boat to pull
alongside. Beijing military strategists have been thrown
into such a panic they’re considering counter measures such as the launch of a
weather balloon. The Pacific ‘step up’ with
a patrol boat or two is such a departure from the last 20 years of considered
inactivity it is reported China
has had to revise its strategic plan.
