Other News Yesterday - Installment 5(i) Pre Apocalyptic Pandemic Chronicles
As the world bunkers down for the next Great Depression
brought on by misuse of wild critters, Alterego is commencing a new
series to chronicle events, misdeeds, missteps and the “I make no apology”
moments of leaders, health experts and local hoarders in their collective
response to the ‘Black Plague’ of our times.
In breaking news Prime Minister Scomite and Treasurer
Friedalot, appearing together in their new confidence building kit, have announced a toilet paper led recovery is
imminent, with toilet paper bonds to be sold to anyone silly enough to buy them
and re-engineered car factories to churn out as much of the refined product as
possible. New toilet paper plantations
are being seeded from the air and new toilet paper companies will be launched
on the stock exchange as soon as Junta life members and their close relatives
can muster enough shelf companies to manage the flow.
As various states and territories contemplate border
restrictions, all those entering after midnight will be in lockdown in some
space, under some moving circumstance going forward, for which authorities make
no apology from the get-go, and from which they will be expected to shut the
fuck up, do what they’re told and come to Jesus.
Meanwhile all schools, universities and other gatherings of
people trying to learn stuff will be kept open as active laboratories for
testing virus endurance, herd immunity, disease transference rates and other
social Darwinist techniques for ‘sorting’ who will make up the next ruling
class and who will be their slaves.
Casual workers and their families are expected to just die
quickly, preferably within two weeks, and try to avoid making a fuss, whilst their employers will be given
tax relief, endless access to credit and paid holidays on the only atoll with
no virus discernible. Life members of
the Safe Seats Society will run all the businesses set to benefit from these
measures.
In further breaking news, it has been announced by the
Grabber-in-Chief that malarial drugs will be administered to Covid 19 sufferers
in the hope that the various viruses will strike up cordial relationships,
imitate each other and agree to be terminated by existing pharmaceuticals. Virologists around the planet are rushing to confirm
the President’s pronouncement that “people who have not died before are now
dying” and that all research toward a new vaccine is a waste of someone’s money.
Watch this space…..
