Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(iv) Special APEC edition

 

 

In the wash-up after APEC the good folk of the People’s Republic of PNG are counting their blessings.  It seems they have a couple of new roads to nowhere and 40 Maseratis to drive on them, a lovely new building which nobody wants or needs, soft loans which will outlast uranium, a naval base led recovery on Manus, a promise of power for all sometime in the next millennium and the break out of a new Cold War in the Pacific. 

Rumours China had already bought our nearest northern neighbour had been vehemently denied by PM Teeter O’Peal.  “We are selling stuff to China like everyone else”, O’Peal told a raptor, “it doesn’t mean we have become paid up members of the belts and roads club but anything not bolted down is for sale”.  When extras from a Hong Kong gangster movie baled up the PNG Foreign Minister for a while because they didn’t like the colour of his tie, it seemed to belie O’Peal’s denial but normal transmission was resumed with the intervention of ‘security’.

The warm and fuzzy feeling everyone gets from APEC leaders making fools of themselves at the end of proceedings didn’t seem to work this year.  Perhaps the appearance of armed men at every turn of China’s leader had an effect.  

PM Scomite was reassured by the presence of a heavily armed warship nearby, but raptors detected a certain frisson at every event.  “We haven’t got the rent”, explained a China spokesperson, “so we will be back with some heavy lifters”.  Raptors weren’t able to report on many meetings as extras from a Hong Kong gangster movie expelled them at every opportunity.  “This is our country now”, a spokesperson from China media explained, “we make the news, we report the news, we own the news”.

In breaking news the People’s Republic of Tonga has announced full membership of the China belts and roads club.  To avoid being towed to the South China Sea and set up as a fully staffed holiday resort for PLA celebrities, the good folk of Tonga have ceded all sovereignty and will take up knitting woollen caps for stranded Uyghurs and Tibetans undergoing re-education programmes involving a little red book, and lots of belts and roads to undisclosed destinations.  

Some Tongans concerned about this strategy were told by a spokesperson there was nothing to see except a lot of jolly yak and goat herders at alt agricultural shows, a few festivals to celebrate clearing unnecessary clutter and some training sessions in calisthenics while singing the national anthem.  “Those who are deceived by Buddhist and Muslim tomfoolery … shall be assisted through resettlement and education”.  The Christian population of Tonga are greatly comforted….

Meanwhile China’s roads and belts to nowhere are gathering pace…sea bridges and bridges of the sea are springing up everywhere, like mushrooms out of the soup.  “We are bringing an understanding of the President’s new way to all and sundry across bridges born out of a liberation day”.   

This is a great comfort to Pacific leaders who plan to sign up for the programme.  PM Scomite has countered with his own ‘belt and road’ style Pacific initiative in partnership with Japan, Canada and USA. “We are going to build bridges between the Pacific Islands and Australia”, Scomite explained, “Using Australian steel, workers and banks in consort with anyone but China." 

We’re a tad concerned about undersea footings, but where there’s a tax holiday there’s a way”.  The initiative will be known as ‘Alt Debt and Deficit Lite’.  “China’s roads may be straighter than ours”, tweeted Scomite, “but we know where all the tracks are going and where the money’s laundered”.