Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(ii) leadership spill interim special edition - postbout

 

In a bruising affair Able Scomite has triumphed over Spud Dutto after Jules Mashup was eliminated on a technicality.  Industrial cleaners are getting to work in a penalty rate free zone so won't be seeking overtime.  

 

 

PM elect Scomite told raptors to bugger off until cadavers have been removed and the party room sterilized...

 

 

A shrunken gollum like creature with a passing resemblance to ex PM Tone Rabbott gave a rousing rendition of 'all for one and one for all' before slinking off.

 

 

By some miracle Spud Dutto survived the encounter with two limbs missing, and a dark scowl that could curdle milk before it leaves the cow. "Its just a flesh wound", shouted Dutto, "I've had worse in my glory days counting drug busts".

 

 

Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(ii) leadership spill interim special edition

 

 

 

The gladiatorial match off between Dutto and Scomite has excited so much interest a third combatant has thrown their sword into the arena.  The Mashup crew claim their girl is ready to dice and slice the swinging dicks on offer for the top job.  

Amidst a gathering of excited vipers high noon approaches and bets are being laid on the outcome…the guaranteed losers will be the punters as per usual.

Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(ii) leadership special edition

 

Against a backdrop of Parliament being abolished the nation waits with bated breath the outcome of Big Julie’s Caesar opening show.   

PM Trumble has decided the knives look way too sharp for his liking.  Two combatants - Dutto and Scomite - will duel to gather up the spoils, redistribute the 30 pieces of silver and get the wine back in the water vats. The main adversaries will fight to the death under gladiatorial rules…

 

Amidst overwhelming feedback that anyone but Spud would suffice Liberal members are involved in a chain tag wrestling display that has drawn a crowd of raptors and nervous staffers.  The losers of bouts are expected to be sent to the guillotine on grounds of being on the wrong side at the wrong time. The Queen’s emissary is on standby to confirm executions as advice filters through.  

PM Trumble has addressed raptors, explaining the order of play, the extraordinary achievements of his rule and his plans to return to warmer climes under a more favourable tax regime.   

He said that ruling was the greatest sacrifice of his life and that the hoi polloi can kiss his regal behind as he never gave tuppence for them in the first place…watch this space.

 

Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(ii) q

 

Message crows have been streaming out of the Dutto bunker since dawn, alerting loyal acolytes and a few doubters that Big Julie’s Caesar will have a limited opening tomorrow.   

A select audience is invited and industrial cleaners put on standby.  Despite messages of support from nation leaders close to Trumble, the mood in the PM’s chambers is sour, with the realization that wounds inflicted in yesterday’s rehearsal are festering.  

The Trumble inner circle is considering options, including decamping to warmer climes, crossing the Alps to ambush the Dutto forces from behind or marching to the Queen’s emissary to demand the arrest of traitors.

Various attempts to test the mood of punters have revealed Spud Dutto remains popular with at least 2% of the citizenry, with Burghers showing a tad more interest up to 5%. 

In the event Bill Longhop musters his gallopers into the race augurs have read the entrails of 40 chooks and revealed victory is likely at 30 to one on in a canter.   

The Longhop camp are preparing to rule into the next century after a period of necessary clearances involving an audit of grants to mates of Trumble incorporated and a sweep of all stables. Local knackeries are expecting a bonanza….

Friends of PM Trumble have marched on the Tone Rabbott game show headquarters in search of the founder.  

Leaders of the group carried rope and tackle and a portable gallows to assist Tone meet his maker at noon.  Reports coming in suggest the headquarters were empty and that a cycle stopped by police doing 20k over the speed limit has been impounded. The rider is absconding…

Breaking World News (summary):

 

Services have resumed as melted platforms have been replaced with high tensile steel. 

Close associates of the Grabber-in-Chief found guilty of endless rorts have agreed to waive offers of immunity and testify the Grabber told them to do it.  Special Counsel Prober has arranged hearings to examine affidavits provided by the campaign guys.  The Grabber has tweeted he doesn’t know these people personally but they are great guys made in America.

Rumours China has offered to buy our nearest northern neighbour have been vehemently denied by PM Teeter O’Peal.  “We are selling stuff to China like everyone else”, O’Peal told an interviewer, “it doesn’t mean we have become paid up members of the belts and roads club but anything not bolted down is for sale”.

Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(ii) post-leadership spill special edition

 

 

PM Trumble has narrowly survived a Big Julie’s Caesar dress rehearsal, with several flesh wounds and a near miss to the spleen.  As predicted industrial cleaners are returning the party room to order, removing blood, guts and limbs behind closed doors.   

 

Having lost the bout Spud Dutto has duly quit the Ministry.  He will bunker down with his black shirted acolytes preparing for another round of ‘rollerpolly’ with knives at the first opportunity.   

After his 'near death' moment Trumble is having his wounds seen to, hyperventilating in an oxygen tent and wondering why he ever left the Caymans.  A large supporter of the PM has grabbed Tone Rabbott by the throat and suggested if he ever sees him again off a bike his time is over.

 

Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(ii) leadership spill special edition

PM Trumble has ordered a full winter retreat from the whole notion of ‘climate’.  Fearful of small gatherings of  ‘deniers’ with sharp knives Trumble has hit reverse and was last seen skidding backwards down the corridor slicing madly at ghostly apparitions of spills past.   

Staffers have tried to calm the PM with a seven per cent solution and tales from the Bon Lowbrow ‘Lazarus’ crypt but to no avail. 

Raptors are on full spill alert with prizes on offer for any sightings of the Tone Rabbott game show cranking up or black shirted members of the highly secretive Sturmbannführer Spudster society moving toward the PM’s chambers.

Meanwhile in a secluded area of the Parliament retiring Minister for Gratuitous Cruelty Dutto is welcoming acolytes with a framed picture of himself as ‘the Leader’.   

Refusing to countenance any nay saying by advisers aware of recent national polls on preferred LNP leaders that had him just ahead of a dressed pineapple on 4%, Dutto sat resplendent in black on a large chair, accepting acolyte kisses of his ring.

Leadership aspirants outside the Dutto inner circle have been exchanging offers of qualified fealty and mutual promises not to audit Parliamentary allowance acquittals.  Numbers are tight and insiders expect the spill area will require industrial cleaners at some stage.   

Bill Longhop has been remarkably calm throughout proceedings and was heard to be whistling the 1812 Overture during his morning ablutions.   

Another raptor thought he heard Bill doing an impression of Dirty Harry, “do I feel lucky…well do ya punk?”.