Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(iii) d

 

 

Minister for Gratuitous Cruelty Spud Dutto had a near death experience in Parliament today.  Nearly half the chamber attacked him with spud peelers until his only recourse was to jump in the Speaker’s lap for sanctuary.  Refusing to incriminate himself after being found to have lied comprehensively on just about everything since he was a nipper, Dutto challenged his detractors to prove his integrity is more or less for sale to the highest bidder with the best free steak knives and cut-price chalets by the river.

PM Scomite has lauded his colleague’s tenacity and has promised him a 3D copy of the ‘I stopped these’ trophy adorning his office, and an embossed picture of everyone’s favourite island hellhole signed by all the kiddies in his care.

The strawberry needles pandemic has been gazetted an act of terror by the PM and will attract the death penalty.  Banging his chest furiously Scomite berated strawberry abusers and accused them of fruit whispering. “You’re cowardly grubs”, fumed Scomite, “and we shall hunt you down, and throw the big book at you”. 

Remainder stores are in touch with authorities offering their biggest books at cut-down prices. Meanwhile discussion of Muppets, au pairs, obscene rap songs in Parliament, and Liberal party women MPs seeking protective shelter has given way to “strawberry fields for ever”…

The au pair saga continues with reports emerging boats filled with scantily clad light pink au pairs have been intercepted off Port Stephens.  Minister Dutto has pulled out all stops to get them allocated to his agency post haste.  The waiting list for ‘illegal’ au pairs is long and members of the Safe Seats Society are preferred as their steak knives and cut-price chalets are the best.  

The Senate has found Dutto did not declare his full interests in the agency that manages the trade, but the man who escaped the chip fryer this morning has thumbed his nose at those trying to test his mettle.  “I’m the best, when only the best will do”, shouted Dutto, “they can’t catch me cause I verbal for a living and I’m all that stands between a good Aussie deal and un-Australian pilfering”. 

Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(iii) c

 

After he cut aged care to the bone PM Able Scomite announced an inquiry into dastardly deeds done dirt cheap to elder folk in every city, town and street.  “It’s a great way to cover our bum”, Scomite told raptors, “we denied there was a problem, denied we cut and run, claimed aged entitlements are welfare, then came out like the rising sun with a sheriff pointing a gun – job done”.   

Spokespersons for the aged have suggested that anything said by Scomite should be comprehensively scorned and that elder folk would be wise to sharpen their pencils for the only poll that can't be ignored.

Fatso Droop is excited by news of his rap song becoming the new Liberal anthem. With lashings of casual sex and dripping with misogyny it’s perfect for Scomite’s push to make the junta more responsive to women. “Who f***ing tonight? Who f***ing tonight?” is now opening junta meetings and all are encouraged to raise their hands and sing-along. 

Women in the junta are so excited at the turn of events some have been seen leaping out Parliamentary windows unaided.  The few that can be found on a sitting day are wondering how to survive the upcoming bloodbath from week to week. Very few are members of the ‘safe seats’ elite and the chances of getting a new Guernsey are looking exceedingly bleak.  The boys are running the show and revel in a good tweet, “Who f***ing tonight, who f***ing tonight”. It seems the guys have the running and all is sweet…

Breaking World News (summary):

The Grabber-in-Chief’s guy for the Supreme Court denies groping any 15 year olds on his rise to power.  “She just doesn’t like me”, tweeted Matt Savanah, “it’s a Roe V Wade thing and I do it for the cause, of keeping women in their place and bowing to our oars”.

China has denied there’s anything to see where 10% of the Uighurs reside.  “A little re-training is good for the soul”, explained a spokesperson, “they should give thanks to the State for making the effort to set them straight on the path to transformation through re-education – its to let them know we care”.