Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(ii) j

 

PM Trumble and Minister for Energizing Friedalot have welcomed the State’s decision to hold a 2 year moratorium on the NEG.  This will allow time for the LNP party room to be voted out of office and for the Tone Rabbott game show to have gone on the road and been crushed under a semi trailer carting drought relief somewhere between Burke and Kalgoorlie.  The prospect of Rabbott and fellow agnostic Greens’ firebrand Adam Ant forming an alliance to scupper the NEG has been troubling Friedalot to the point where he’s rarely seen in public without a comfort dog.

True believer in shooting girlie men Finance Minister Muster Cormorant has put himself forward for higher office. In the tradition of ninja warrior Australia he’s often seen going through his paces in the old Senate Gardens which he’s had converted for purpose.  Staffers keep a watchful eye on the Senator as he’s prone to let fly at rose bushes whilst screaming in tongues and something about burning Bill Longhop on a longship. 

Amidst rising calls from One Country for foreign aid to be diverted to drought subsidies, Minister for Drought Proudlite has cautioned “be careful what you wish for”. Proudlite reminded farmers' groups that for decades stockpiled grain and rice unable to be sold at market was flogged off at inflated prices for food aid to poor countries at taxpayer expense.  “Until those idiots at the wheat exchange let their double accounting of sales to Iraq fall into the wrong hands everything was sweet”, explained Proudlite, “now the challenge is to tap new subsidy vistas into refugee camps…it’s a veritable goldmine of aid loot”.

Breaking World News (summary):

The Grabber-in-Chief has had his twitter account trolled by Special Counsel Prober. Prober smells blood in the virtual waters of the Grabber’s demented meanderings. The White House meanwhile has put firing squads back on standby. 

In a departure from Grabber policy the parents of Melanie Grabber have won US citizenship on grounds of ‘chain migration’.  African-American groups have reminded the Grabber that their ancestors knew a thing or two about ‘chain migration’ and it should be proscribed at the first opportunity.

Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(ii) i

Treasurer Scomite has welcomed reports that the private superannuation industry has been scamming customers blind.  “Its good to see some entrepreneurial flair from the industry”, Scomite told guests at a Liberal fund raising dinner, “it’s a valid technique for re-distributing income away from punters to the upper end…a cornerstone of the modern Liberal Party”.

Retiring Australian Public Service Boxing Commissioner Floyd Johnson has launched a stinging attack on his many detractors.  Sparring next to Minister for Union Bashing, Saturnalia Nash, and amidst questions over his close ties with the Institute of Paid Advertising, Johnson accepted a TKO in the fifth.  A strong advocate for a return to indentured labour conditions and bare knuckle fights at lunchtime in the APS, Johnson yelled at raptors, “I’m thoroughly sick of these group thinking nancy boys do-gooding all over the ring…I was just getting my second wind when the ref called off the fight”.  Johnson has now set his eyes on a nice little earner in the Caymans….

Former King’s representative and convenor of the ‘Lovely Altar Boys Alumni’ association, Peter Wigglesworth, has declined to reimburse tax payers for their unsolicited largesse toward him over many years of trough diving. “It’s nothing more than I’m worth” explained Wigglesworth, “grooming like mine doesn’t come cheap and first class travel to exotic destinations broadens one’s horizons”.

 

Breaking World News (summary):

Grabber-in-Chief has refuted suggestions that revelations from the Castlemann trial will damage him politically. “If footage emerged of me buggering woolly llamas”, the Grabber told Fox News, “my base would still trust me to make America big again”.

US Republican congressman Chris Collector has been indicted for trading losses for wins on drug deals.  Looking like they had just come from a Botox party, Collector and his wife fronted raptors to reassure voters that the Grabber is great and he’ll be back for another round of golfing with the stars at the mid-terms.

British PM Foxweather May has rebutted suggestions she is considering holy orders. “This lady is not for the nunnery”, scoffed May, “but I suggest Boris consider a long retreat with the Carthusians…it’ll do him good not to speak for a couple of years and the British public will be ever so grateful”.

Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(ii) h

The NSW Government has declared the whole State in ‘drought’ but denies any connection to climate change.  “We're looking forward to Summer”, spruiked the Minister for Drought, “when we can get a handle on what’s really happening in China…we’ve known for some time that this is a commie plot to devalue land for a fire sale…we just didn’t realize the whole country would burn”.

NAPLAN has been suspended until further notice.  The Minister for Sprogs in Stress Steve Manchester has been forced to take extreme measures as data leaks shine a light on whether the fittest survivors are getting the best results or brainwashed chimps.  “The jury’s out”, Manchester told a raptor scrum, “until we calibrate the metadata with key indicators such as posture, nail and hair length.”

The Great Barrier Rort Foundation has put out a press release indicating it is desperate to give the tax deductible grant back to PM Trumble at the first opportunity. Retired Monty Oil executive Jason Schumann has pleaded for understanding.  “We have had to beat retired corporate executives off with sticks”, Schumann told raptors, “when these guys catch the smell of pre-laundered money its like a shark pool with a slow leak”.

Breaking World News (summary)

Grabber-in-Chief has blamed the arms for oil deal with Iran for the burning of California. “The Ayatollah should never have raised his head above the parapet”, tweeted the Grabber, “a huge price will have to be paid for this assault on our values but luckily we still have Ollie South available to negotiate a deal”.

Despite rave notices for the recent love in with North Korean Honcho Kim Jing-in, a spokesperson for the Grabber has announced the song duo they recorded has flopped in the charts. “’Missiles of Spring’ is a catchy tune”, she said, “but the American listening public is a fickle beast and the backup chorus left a bit to be desired”.

Boris Jonestown Massacre is back in the headlines, calling for PM Foxweather May to ban burqas at state funerals and to get on her bike to a nunnery at the first opportunity.  May declined both suggestions but is rumoured to have riposted, “I believe all women should be able to choose how they dress at funerals and nunneries”.

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Appearing on Q & A Minister for Drought Don Proudlite denied the big dry could be connected with climate.  “There’s really no such thing”, answered the Minister, “there’s individual weather events and when they combine it’s a drought”.  As he was speaking scientists in Arizona reported human induced global meltdown is about a tick away from setting off a cascading climactic climate hothouse.  In keeping with recent appointments Proudlite is considered a Monty to be in charge of the Climactic Hothouse Ministry.

Sky News has been forced to suspend all radical reactionary presenters after dark in an attempt to win back viewers appalled by wanton broadcasting of Nazi drinking songs and orchestrated calls for a new Reich.  Extended weather shows and vaudeville acts will fill the slots vacated until new presenters can be found.

With the total population of Australia one person away from being just under that of Delhi, demographers suggest some thought be given to accommodating all those Indians heading our way.  “We’re going to need more curry houses, chilli gardens and sandalwood orchards”, explained a local expert “if India can manage over 25 million in one city you’d think a whole continent would be perfect”.  

Breaking World News (summary):

A new peace agreement in South Sudan is expected to last at least a fortnight.  A local commentator suggested universal franchise in China was more likely than the new peace treaty surviving longer than a few months, enough time for all the parties to rearm and get at it again.

A new movement has sprung up to encourage human extinction. Founder and spokesperson Lester Knightfall says that everything would be better with fewer humans. “Huge savings on bullets, paternity suits and nappy laundry are some of the obvious benefits”, explained Knightfall, “along with a boon for rubber producers everywhere”.

A US Court has been told Grabber-in-Chief confidante Paul Castlemann is a complete crook.  His one time business partner Dick Dates gave evidence that he and Paul went on a crime spree that made Al Capone look like twinkle toes at the fair.  The Grabber tweeted “they are both good men made in America”.

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It is reported PM Trumble is distraught his ‘drought breaking’ words in Central NSW have changed nothing, been used before and will probably not even rate a T-shirt.  Farmers complain the Federal grants will barely cover a portion of private school fees or a tax deductible down payment on the next John Deere header.  “Teats on a bull are more use than that fella”, a local cockie was heard to grumble.

Sky News have offered to undertake 4,000 hours of community broadcasting to recompense listeners forced to endure Nazi beer songs from recent guest Blare Fester Choptell.  “They can’t stand the heat in my kitchen”, countered Choptell, “my kebabs make you want to swill pints and break dance nude while singing the Horst Wessel Song”.

Grocery chain Woolyperks admits spying on customers playing pokies at their many venues.  A spokesperson agreed the idea was to squeeze every last cent out of those stupid enough to sit in front of an electric light show designed to relieve them of money.  “We get them totally pissed, give them lots of ‘service’ and screw them blind”.  Woolyperks deny any suggestion that this conflicts with their company values.

Breaking World News (summary):

Grabber-in-Chief has welcomed news that Russian Supremo Vlad Wolfbrat has appointed action star and Russian citizen Stompin Seagull as his emissary. “Seagull and his Wolves should give Schintillflott and his Expendables a run for their money at the box office”, tweeted the Grabber, “I’ll pay to see the last action hero standing”.