Other News Yesterday - Installment 5(ii) Pre Apocalyptic Pandemic Chronicles

 

 

After an interminable gap of hunkering, bunkering and shambollocking the pandemic chronicles have been forced into reprisal.  As the intense and repetitively wearying press conferences roll on relentlessly it is vital to bear witness to the varying styles of facemask adorning the leadership.    'Sad' Dan Mandues, First Person of Victoria, is leading the pack with a discretely stylish black number that can double as a sling shot on provocation.  Coming in a shabby last is Minister for Catastrophes, Ernst Funt, who almost strangled and thence blinded himself in a daring full face number that the makers have since deleted and recalled.  

 

 

 

As news readers lash listeners with mounting death counts and mind numbing infection charts we await the latest breathless offering from some wind swept raptor describing the latest political barney on shopping hours, whose border is closed, when it will open, to whom will it open and for how long…and who is responsible for this almighty SHIT STORM???

 

 

 

Today, with great alacrity,  the First Person of Queensland, Anastasia Belachuck, entertained us with ‘facts’ concerning the prospect of plague death, systemic psychosis under curfew and the mounting dangers of border crossings without a birth certificate.  It was a truly stirring rendition of Que Sera, with several hangers on providing rambunctious support with the chorus line:

 

 “So you gotta be strong,

live by the words of the song
together is where we belong
never stop dreaming
keep holdin' on…”

 

….hmmm

 

 

 

 

Meanwhile, in breaking news…somewhere in an undisclosed place… known only to a few close junta insiders…PM Scomite announced to the world 25 million vaccinations have been put on hire purchase watch for Australians in the unlikely event the guinea pigs survive and the patent owners are not bought out by the Grabber-in-Chief in a desperate bid to avoid death by election. Watch this space….

 

 

 

In an alarming display of openness and failure to privatize, the First Person of NSW, Doris Chickybyline, has admitted comprehensive responsibility for all deaths associated with the Ruby Tuesday ghost ship.  Departing from her usual line on upcoming auctions of public assets, Chickybyline apologized for failings by her officials and promised a future where shareholders would always get preferential treatment and cost-benefit analyses would underpin all cruise disembarking. 

 

 

 The Covid SafeApp is in the news as the most startlingly useless software ever developed.  That said, it has proved useful in locating deep fried chook outlets and as a dark side dating app.  In respect of Covid it has been shown to alert owners they have a 1 in 4 chance of having the disease.  Turns out if you use an Apple device or live in NSW you would have more luck with water divining sticks.