Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(ii) o

 

 Alarmed the Rabbott game show survived its recent ‘near death’ experience on a road to nowhere, PM Trumble has reverted to type and banned use of the term 'emissions' in a sentence including the word ‘climate’. “The only emissions I’m worried about are various forms of flatulence after eating that bloody curried goat served at fund raisers…I always feel like I’ve been pumped like a Rooster’s football after those dreadful appeasement bashes”.   

 

The Government Printer has been instructed to delete all mention of ‘emissions’ in propaganda pamphlets and Whole of Government missives.  Trumble continues to rely on his old masthead adage – ‘an abiding love of oneself will convince everyone to do the same’. [Apologies to the one and only Gadabout]

 

 

Minister for Gratuitous Cruelty Spud Dutto has had his leadership aspirations dashed.  Responding to a groundswell of three colleagues Dutto was canvassing support in recent days.  When it turned out enthusiasts were restricted to those three morning coffee chums, his immediate family and the neighbour’s dog, Dutto reined in expectations and returned to his bunker.  “I’ll be back in a tick,” Dutto shouted over loudspeakers, “I’m still all that stands between voters and un-Australian accents”.

Reports are emerging that consultants diving in the Government trough are so weighed down by tax deductible largess they’re experiencing difficulties surfacing. After clearing his snorkel at the third attempt, one recidivist told a raptor off the record, “we’re getting that much free milk from ‘the Dairy’…a group of us are considering opening our own cheese factory”.  In a frank interview, ‘retiring’ Border Guard Honcho, Romanesque Quaestorius, described the consultant incursion as like “a pack of predatory sharks hitting a bait ball in a feeding frenzy".

The Batter ascendancy in Kennedy has been dealt a savage blow.  In expectation of all Kennedy’s wild pigs  being corralled for hunting safaris led by Batter himself, he was sighted running nude through the scrub with a German hunting horn from the 1940s to round them up.   

 

Unfortunately a few of the pigs had different ideas and Batter was forced to hurriedly climb a large rain tree, catching his testicles on the way up.  His once dulcet blast has now turned to a squeak….

Breaking World News (summary):

The judge in the Castlemann ‘endless graft’ trial has been threatened with death unless he redefines what ‘reasonable doubt’ is.  Pundits agree that this means ‘certain’ larceny, theft, fraud and other fund raising irregularities might have to be considered ‘reasonable’ in the parallel world occupied by the Grabber-in-Chief and his minions.

 

 

Imranalot Fizz has been confirmed as winner of the Pakistani ‘Voice’ competition. He plans to form a coalition with other singers to mount an assault on the ‘choir of the century’ World Cup to be held in neighbouring India next year.  Fizz will be relying on military bands to assist his choruses practice for an assault on the big prize.

 

The White House has announced a fire sale on eBay of security clearances stripped from anyone suggesting the Grabber is an enemy of the people.  Fox News has agreed to host an evening with the stars to promote the event, with live crosses to eBay bidding and the “USA Freedom Kids” choir performing a suite of songs for the tone deaf.

Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(ii) n

New Senator Taser Gunning and his leader Bob Batter have bunkered down to contemplate life after the ‘final solution’ speech.  In most quarters the speech was greeted like a bout of genital herpes, but a frisson of expectation ran through a loose grouping of large light pink men looking like extras at a remake of ‘De Voortrekkers’ and the Kennedy Maronite chapter of a little known Phalangist old boys alumni.

The latter have offered themselves as a praetorian guard in the event of a ‘new awakening’ and a promise to reprise the Beirut glory days.  ASIO is on full alert monitoring sudden mobilizations in Kennedy of massed covered wagons and bullock trains….

 

On a lighter note Foreign Minister Mashup and Minister for International Hectoring Sonata Caravansari-Fargo have asked  China to stop building roads to nowhere in our neighbourhood.  They have also called for debt relief to be on the agenda at the upcoming PIF on the Papillon 2 movie set.  

A China spokesperson indicated a willingness to forgive debt in exchange for lifelong membership of the ‘belts and roads’ club and a promise of re-training for anyone choosing not to join.  This has been greeted with alarm in the capitals of the indebted nations and a renewed push for all the islands to drift as far away from the South China Sea as possible.  Mashup and Caravansari-Fargo have reminded leaders that PM Trumble’s  “bridges to nowhere” initiative could be a solution.

Breaking World News (summary)

An orchestrated press campaign to shaft Grabber-in-Chief has been condemned by the White House as ‘fake news’.  Editorial platforms across the world, including electronic billboards like Times Square, blasted “GRABBER IS THE ENEMY NOT US”.

Two suspects in the murder of estranged brother of North Korean Honcho Kim Jing-in have denied any involvement. “It was our look-a-like cousins”, pleaded the duo, “…in a reality TV game show involving a noxious nerve agent….you know, the show popular in England”.

Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(ii) neo-Nazi special edition

 

 

In breaking news the purveyor of last night’s ‘final solution’ speech in the Senate, Taser Gunning, has been roundly condemned by fellow senators who have suggested he remove himself to a small cupboard in the basement where he will be visited by spokespersons of every community insulted in his speech. Senators Wendy Wong and Muster Cormorant joined in condemnation of a speech reminiscent of the day before the night in Germany last century which saw a lot of breakage.   

In a rousing call for a return to a light pink Australia, Gunning had to restrain his right arm on several occasions as it twitched toward the ceiling.  In some quarters electric shock therapy is being suggested as a means to control the twitch or perhaps a ‘re-setting’ of the arm bones. In scenes reminiscent of a recent history lesson on the streets of Washington, senators are keen to assist Gunning with a history update. One Country's Perilous Pantsdown and known bestiality watcher Tory Cannardi were keen to offer their support to Gunning but seemed a lonely trio in a sea of hostility.

Spontaneous outbursts of the Horst Wessel Song have been heard across the country, with phones ringing off the hook at Batter party headquarters.  With mounting excitement at news of Rob Batter’s rediscovered reason for being, Batter himself has been doing calisthenics in a freshly laundered white singlet in the House of Reps garden.   

“It’s a great day for free speech”, growled Batter as he entertained a growing scrum of raptors with a robust rendition of “Springtime for Batter and Kennedy” sung to a well known ditty from ‘The Producers’… “we’re now the only party calling for an end to Islam and a boycott of kebab houses”.

Other News Yesterday - Installment 1(ii) m

 

Amidst news the NEG has limped into the starting gate reports are coming in of an incident between the travelling Tone Rabbott game show and a large truck on a road to nowhere in particular. Shreds of lycra littered the road and what appeared to be a human kite with red undies and enormous ears was dangling precariously from a massive smoldering tree nearby.  Posters with “WE ARE DOOMED” and “COAL IS GREAT” in large letters scattered in all directions and the dulcet tones of someone singing ‘Kumbaya’ wafted on the breeze.  Dream on….

 

NAB reported that business conditions continue to drift south, especially the ‘grift’ sector where profits are freefalling.  Bunker and tomb building have bucked the trend, providing relief to cement producers and masons.  As the Turkish Lira continues its impression of a diving duck stock brokers have removed their nose bags and are calibrating how much leveraged ballast they’ll need to avoid terminal nosebleed. On the upside Istanbul is up for sale at knock down rates…

PM Trumble has let fly at Bill Longhop for threatening to corral the GST like wild horses, reallocating bits away to dog meat suppliers and country race meetings anywhere but WA.  Longhop has described this claim as the demented ramblings of a failed leader fizzing on a lost highway.  “The people need an election right now”, Longhop told his party room, “…before this idiot mob sell the Parliamentary cutlery and drain Lake Burley Griffen to replenish Perth’s reservoirs”.

Breaking World News (summary):

The House of Faud has signalled an interest in purchasing Tesla from Lone Tusk.  Rumours of a stay in executions, a moratorium on kangaroo courts, gaudy palaces, illegal wiretaps, and late night raids on women's knitting groups are circulating ahead of the possibility of killing the goose that laid the “oil free” egg. 

Meanwhile China has denied reports the Uyghur and Tibetan nations are undergoing re-education programmes involving a little red book, lots of belts and roads to undisclosed destinations.  A spokesperson denied there was anything to see here except a lot of jolly yak herders at alt agri shows, festivals to celebrate clearing unnecessary clutter and some training sessions in calisthenics while singing the national anthem.  “Those who are deceived by religious tomfoolery … shall be assisted through resettlement and education………”