Installment 1(i) a

 

PM Trumble wound up his visit to Tennant Creek with a stirring rendition of Waltzing Matilda, announcing pride in saving a jumbuck or two on night patrol and promising to send a task force to catch stragglers.

Mitchell Highfield announced great progress in transferring SBS and ABC on to analogue platforms. Rivers, selling stuff, creeks, shit and paddles all got a mention in questions from News raptors, but Highfield nimbly side stepped all of them and flicked a pass out the back to…someone.

Health Minister Ernst Funt denied rumours that IBM won the contract to fix gaps in the ‘our health’ mainframe. Funt explained that despite their excellent record in strategic alliances with governments, managing data from birth to death, IBM might not be the best ‘face’ of touchy feely government for all. They will have a role in the 'jobs and growth' programme...

Minister for Gratuitous Cruelty Spud Dutto was sighted whipping up the burghers of Braddon and Longman, warning  large gangs of dark hairy people will roam neighbourhoods if Labor candidates are elected. “The local KFC will be a living hell”, shouted Dutto, “I’m all that stands between your family’s safety and un-Australian accents on the streets”.

Breaking World News (summary):

Alt Nobel Peace Prize panel confirms Grabber-in-Chief nominated for going one day without threatening apocalyptic carnage...wait, wait, nomination withdrawn!!!

Nauru President denies reports Papillon 2 to be filmed on his island...

Reports Boris Jonestown Massacre and Grabber-in-Chief exchanged hairpieces vehemently denied by staffers... blond mongoose genome patent listed on stock exchange for startup investors by wig company.